I See

So I went to an optometrist today because I needed a new supply of contacts. I took a year supply and made it last a year and a half so I'm pretty content with it. Pretty much rather than doing the proper thing I just started leaving them in rather than taking them out every night. When I did take them out every night one pair normally lasted about three weeks to a month. Even though they're supposed to only be used for two weeks, who pays attention to that stuff. I'm too much of a natural Jew to pass up a chance to save money. And I did, I got an extra half out of what I bought. But when I just left them in I managed to keep them longer. The thing with taking them out every night, even though it cleans them, it makes it so that they don't last as long. You touch the contacts and your eye has to readjust to them every morning and get poked around in every night. So it's easier to just leave them in. I'd still change them though. I'd either wait until my hair got too long, by my standards that's a month to two months of it growing, or until my eye started bugging out. When I changed my contacts I'd also shave my head. But when I took them out it was for the weekend, if it was before then I'd wear my glasses. End of the weekend I'm wearing contacts again. But back to what I as saying. Somehow, and I'm really curious as to how, my eyesight improved. I really think it's more my focusing and analytical skills that have improved. My ability to notice the smaller details could make it seem like my vision improves. Just look at it this way. I spent my summer sitting in the dark every night where the only source of light was my laptop screen and a T.V. Of course that was spent playing Dota every night, hence why I say it's an improvement in my ability to analyze and focus and notice smaller things. To look at the full thing and not have to focus on one. It sounds like it's not a show of focus, but I'm saying I can focus on everything, not just one thing. That's what you do in Dota. You have to watch the whole screen, not just one thing. If you can't pay attention like that then you're fucked. So I literally think, I just got an improved eye for detail. Of course, the doctor said it didn't majorly improve, just to an extent.

Le Trolls

So I waited until later today hoping I'd have a schedule to talk about. To make a few notes, I'm pretty sure she's gonna be in at least my French class because I was told before there'd only be one Honors French II class, But to the main, core of the subject. Trolling. I already told my friend earlier, if I see some cocky freshie sitting in the spot that my friends and I normally sit he might just cry. I have spent the summer training with the troll gurus of the Steam community. Most of them I only trained with once and but it was enough to learn their wisdom. These masters of the art are responsible for the reputation the Dota community holds with the outside world. I intend to utilize all my acquired knowledge for the good of my class against any cocky freshman that challenges me. I don't expect many challenges due to my priority to be under the radar from society, but any one who would dare challenge me will surely lose. After rereading that I kinda feel nerdy, but the intent is to be funny so I don't mind. I really have learned to troll well. I don't even bother to change my Steam name because I want people to remember me as the guy that made them cry over the internet. I've done some subtle trolling, some only internet oriented, but I still have practiced the art of hurting feelings through words alone. Of course, I don't abuse it. I'm selective of my targets to the people that ask for it. Like a righteous wrong. Not along the lines of two wrongs make a right, but to defend/avenge the people that are picked on for no reason. Or because of a bad game. I've always been like this. I'm not some sociopathic asshole that picks on anything that even looks at him. I wait for them to offend me before I make some snarky comment that can only come from a smartass like me. Of course I have a pretty broad threshold for offense. From them mocking me, to mocking a friend, to bothering someone that asks them to go. I'm the type to want to stand up for the little man, ironically one of the guys that's received my abuse is a little man. More than one, there's two. And because the point of this post is to talk about trolling I will mention some trolling I've done in Dota, of course that only happens in a game like Dota because it's not emotional abuse that I'm talking about. I'll have games as Bloodseeker. For those that don't play he's a 1v1 type hero that is also good for early game ganking along with chasing. He has abilities that normally leave him as the last one alive in a team fight. He has Thirst, which gives movement speed and armor when another hero is under a certain amount of health. Then there's Blood Bath, when a hero or creep dies he gets health back, depending on why they died though. So he's also an agility hero that has good leveling on his agility, 3 per level. That means that when he's level 25 he's a big tank. Now I don't stop there. I get an assault curiass and butterfly to get extra armor and evasion. Then I get a Heart of Tarasque which heals you every 4 seconds for 2% of your max health when no other hero is around. So I just sit in the other teams base killing people, with 75% physical damage reduction and the heart healing me when they're all dead. There's nothing funnier than when that happens. They spawn and then die right away. I'd talk about another troll I did but  explaining Blood Seeker took up too much, so another time.

Just A Day

I wish I could go a day just going on my way
Not stopping for pausing or to contemplate
Just a day that's forward with no looking back
Just a day that's been free of my chronic whacks

A day that's about me and not what I feel
Where I'm not stuck in pain and nothing's for real
I yearn for a day without a thought across my mind
Where I just spend the day abusing my time
No time to think, just time to act
Just a day where I feel like the old me is back
But that day's far away cause the way that I am
Can't move past the thoughts but I do what I can
I still try to smile when I'd rather sigh
Keep a knife from my wrists when I want to die
To live a happy life just for a day
But maybe that's not meant for me

Just a day where I look at all the pretty faces
Not a day where I only picture the nicest
A day with a real smile not just a show
My old personality is starting to grow
But it gets trampled by the hurt deep inside
The scars that should heal just fester and cry
If I move past it for just one day
Maybe I'd be back on my way
But it's bi-polar season and a change every hour
Every now and then I'm a new kind of sour
Why you think that I want a whole day
Because all these mood swings are too much for me


So as always I just have a spontaneous burst of thoughts that tie together in lyricism that may only make sense to me. Seeing as it can't stay focused on one subject, it may be hard to follow. I always thought of a song as being a short story, and honestly they normally are. Of course there's the crap that passes for music now, but that's not the only music that exists now is it? And really though, I just want one day. Just one day that goes perfectly. I manage to go without jacking off, without ending up checking a list of crap I keep in my head every hour or so, a day that I manage to stay happy the whole day and don't mope once. A day where I don't feel like the obsessed little shit that any daily reader knows I am. Of course I can't spend the whole day around a bunch of people. School will be a nice relief because I'll be busy all day, including after school because school just started. New people to meet too, means hopefully another pretty face to grab my attention. And when I say pretty I don't mean that she's exactly pretty. The pretty girls do distract me well, but I can always stumble on a girl with an orgasmic personality, I have before.

Rakin In The Cash

So seeing as it's about a month and a half before I turn 16 I've been paying attention to the job market. There's, as always, a lot of food places hiring. There's a sandwich shop called Jimmy John's, then a Baja Fresh, and this place called Pizzarama. Those are just the few miscellaneous ones off the top of my head. But personally I prefer much more of a dressed better job if I can get one. Even though I hate wearing a shirt with a collar, or pants that need a leather belt, or even worse, dress shoes, I prefer those because it's better on an application. Good news to me, Best Buy is hiring nearby. I looked at things in my head and I'd want to work at a store where I can get discounts that I'd use pretty often enough. There's Gamestop or Radioshack, but those are small stores that don't require that many employees and most employees are disposable. The workers aren't even called sales associates. With me, well I like to be a people person. I'm not the same dark shit in public that I'm normally here. Heck, only one of my friends ever sees me sigh out of depression, and that's when it's just him and I. There was also Dick's yea I said it DICK'S. I could work there, get a nice discount on exercise equipment. But seeing as the only thing I could think to need at the moment is a new benchpress and a treadmill, after that fuck that shit, I'm not all that interested in Dick's. Oh I like how I worded that part, because it can be taken as me saying I'm straight. (I expect you guys to get the joke just confirming that you comprehend the assholery I embrace like a slut embraces a dick) Back to the main subject, I COULD WORK AT BEST BUY. LIKE FUCK. Besides the fact I'd be saving up every paycheck to spend there, I actually have a moderate knowledge of techie whosie whatsit. Like I already made a short shopping list. First I get a new computer. Of course because I can it's gonna be a P.C. that'll probably cost me 1000-1500 bucks without an employee discount, that's what a month, two months pay checks? They're only offering part time jobs so probably two months. The P.C. would come with a wireless, ergonomic keyboard and mouse set along with a nice headset. It's tech specs you say? Well I was thinking along the minums of 10GB RAM, 1TB Harddrive, I7 Processor, 4 GHZ, and a year subscription to Iobit security. Along with that because I ain't buying a dinky monitor, a nice flatscreen for my room. I'm thinking, 32 inches, maybe 40. That's including cords for hooking the sound from my computer to my T.V. Next on the to buy list is a mini fridge. YES A MINI FRIDGE. Knowing my lazy ass it's nice to keep my rice pudding and soda in a fridge in my room rather than a fridge in my basement. Now this I'd probably get when I get the job but a Microwave. So early because my parents would pay for that. Back to the list though. A PS4 right when it comes out. I can just trade it in later when I want better memory on it, or if mine is getting buggy. Like why the hell not? I believe Best Buy sells treadmills too. It may just be HH Gregg but I'd be getting a treadmill next if I can. Run on that shit everyday, tone my thighs. Next because it's not a total priority, a smart phone. Even though HTCs are nice and so are Galaxy's I might get an IPhone. After that shit, and sorting out how to pay for the plan with my dad, a fucking tablet. Just for fucks I'm gonna get a tablet. I could actually use one of those in school, digital textbooks can't be too expensive. Now seeing as it's not definite that I'd have a job, I didn't get promised it, this is just a shopping list for a mad man that expects his flow of money not to stop if it starts. Also, hoping I'd have a girlfriend by then but even if I don't, I'd need to have a retainer of 300$ always available that I've earned. That's for if I need to buy something right away, like the laptop I'm using manages to break down like it always does around my birthday. Or if I'm hopefully dating someone and the master wants to go shopping. Of course I wouldn't spoil her. So I'd have to wait a good amount of time before I have the money I want for most of this stuff. I realize I still haven't explained why I'd be good for this job in-depth. I LOVE TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE. Like goddamn me for my social wants and desires. If there is a big lord out there that is. I mean I learn fast, and that's one of the things I got told I have to be able to do. I don't even pay attention and I learn something I don't give two shits about. Imagine how well I'd learn when I pay attention with a genuine interest in what the hell is going on. There's so many departments to work in there. There's the mobile area with all the phones, and tablets, and music players. Then there's the section with all the computers and laptops. Then the videogame section. There's a music section. An entertainment section with a crap ton of T.V.s. Then there's the appliance section. I'm probably leaving out a lot but I'm just saying. I have an aptitude for all of that. I know about quality. Not totally. I don't really know what the difference between a 720P and 1080P resolution is because I never cared to pay attention to it. I just know the higher P the higher refresh rate it has and the slower it can make things. Well enough of me blabbing. My birthday is a month and a half away, and by then the positions may be taken, so I can't have my hopes too high.

What To Do

So I've been looking for a distraction from my usual problems. I spent most of the summer throwing myself into Dota and becoming the above average player I am today. It worked as a good distraction. I can't wallow in my despair when I need to focus in a game, or else be raged at by people. But it's starting to be like how I was when I first started, uninterested. Now at first my loss of interest led to massive trolling that supported the article in Game Informer about the community, but it's back to me giving myself more time to wallow. I don't even play it all that often. Maybe two, three games tops a day? Most of the summer it was six games at the least, and around fourteen games at the most. There's always sleeping, such a prime distraction, but it's too late in the summer with school coming in a week for me to sleep all day. I can't even sleep at night. I am proud to say I've managed to start lifting at my regular pace again, by pushing myself to do it. It doesn't require that much focus though. Only using the benchpress requires focus. Everything else I find myself pausing in whatever form I'm in, no matter how uncomfortable or painful, and just being like "What the fuck am I doing" or just paused and instantly in thought. I'm a little timid to use the benchpress because I feel like I'm going to have the bar up, then all of a sudden freeze up and it drops down and chokes me to death. That wouldn't be all that bad, maybe even a little pleasant, but nonetheless I don't want that to happen. I also started boxing again. That's mostly because it provides a small amount of cardio, me not biking and running a lot, and it helps me get my anger at myself out, you know externalize the pain to distract from the emotional pain. I'm pretty sure that's part of what attracts emos to cutting, they just have so many other problems they don't want to focus on and slashing their thigh or side or wrists make it so they don't think about the emotional pain. I also got told by this one girl that it also releases a chemical in your brain that induces euphoria from the fact that they were the ones that did that harm. Back to the boxing though, I've wrapped my hands well enough that they don't get the scars and scrapes they normally do, but that does jack shit for my elbow. Seeing as I like to box with my elbow being thrown in, and practice landing uppercuts that involve an elbow to the chest also, along with tying my elbow into hooks, well lets leave it at it gets torn a lot. Doing something like boxing just leaves me even more enthroned in my emotions. I tried reading my books for school but that hasn't totally worked. I'm barely an eleventh through The Life of Pi. That's due to me preferring to listen to music when I'm reading, something that deters me at this point. Besides the fact that for some reason the book makes me think of her as I read it, not just because she picked it also, but because of my choice in music. I prefer the music I listen to to reflect my mood, and when it's a bad mood it leaves me getting enthroned in whatever mood I'm in and I can't do any work because I'm just clouded with other thoughts. I can't even daydream about other girls like I used to. When I try to think of other girls I just get a flooding of images of her. Some of them are pictures, some of them are memories, all of them just make me feel pain. I honestly think that maybe me seeing her in school is going to lead to my first time in awhile that I've cried in public. I mean I see a picture of her with a smile and I just broke down, and that's at home, by myself. Being in public will be a strong deterrent from tears forming, but I've already come close a few times before. I guess it's simplest said that I've been strong in front of others too long, and it's starting to wear down on me.

Well Then

So I kinda did some figuring in my mind, and I believe you've been reading my blog still. If you are, thank you, I really mean it. The fact that you still read my blog means something. Just the idea gives me a renewed spark of hope. A really faint, and flickering spark but still a spark. Remember when I called you my therapist? Despite your protests against it? I believe that was back in eighth grade or during the summer between eighth and ninth. Well that's because you were the only person that saw the emotional side of me. Other people do, but you're the only one I could go to. You still kind of are, even though I don't talk to you anymore. I can't go to my brother with it, he's more of like a roommate than a brother. He's just there to play videogames with me and occasionally give me advice. Or step in when I screwed up. But not there to council me on my problems. Chentos? Yea I occasionally talk shit out with him, but he's not my first choice in it. He's there when I need to be cheered up, not when I don't know what to think. Whilo? Oh hell no, unless he's read this blog or been told by someone else he still thinks you and I are friends.  He's just there to get into trouble with, never once have I had some deep conversation with him. Twerky? Yea I could've gone to her, if I hadn't thrown that friendship out the window over some petty shit. Just up and stopped talking to her then one day I change my mind, I'm like whatever, she said she missed talking to me but I couldn't flip things around. Hollister Lesbos? Well she and I do talk, occasionally, and she gives me council. But she doesn't know that much about my life. She knows I was close to you, and devoted to you, but doesn't know anything much about me. Even if I were to just up and talk to her about that stuff, things would be awkward. Then there's Del Pino, I'm pretty sure I could talk that stuff out with her too. But I don't talk to her much. I can barely hold a conversation with her. Things between me and her are staticy, like things between me and you for the last two months of our "friendship". Minus the occasional good conversations, yea she and I only have short ones. You're the only friend I had that I could have some deep conversation about some shit that just happened, but also have the total guy conversation involving levels of immaturity. But again, the idea that you read this blog gives me hope for the future, hope that things are gonna change for the better. Just like during that two month period before school ended, the only thing that held me on is that when I finished I'd be able to hang out with you. You never tried to alter that bet. And how before that, when I initially screwed up, you said "I'm not accepting your offer until you're sober". Me being drunk that night is my biggest regret, but when you said that line. I remembered that when I was hungover the next day. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, we would be moving past the friendzone. But I wouldn't shut up and be content with what you said. I had to keep blabbing on about how much I loved you, half of which was straight gibberish. I was lucky my brother was there to pick me up and put me on the couch before I somehow screwed things more than I already had. But you know, I felt slightly more miserable those two months and only thing that kept me going is telling myself, there's a reward at the end. She's going to hang out with you if you can do this. But I got robbed of that. I just played it off as a really early birthday present, not having to hang out with me. My reward got replaced with pain, and spending almost everyday mourning. Crying in the shower in a ball. Holding a pillow between my chest and knees while I tried to sleep every night. Everyday just wallowing in the pain of losing you even further, wallowing in the memories that were of fun times, but now just remind me of what I lost, and everyday just telling myself atleast she's happier. When my mom got home from Taiwan every week it was something else for her to rage about. I wanted to talk to you each time I had to put up with that shit. But I didn't, I told myself let her enjoy her peace. But whatever. Point is, I still have hope by finding out you're still reading the blog, if my assumption is correct. As long as you still read this it means things aren't over yet. But whatever happened to what you said on my birthday. That we've been good friends for awhile and you didn't want it to stop. But you were also the one that truly put an end to it. Even though I may have set things in motion, you were always the one in control.

Bitches Give Up

So I'm back in a depressive state. I saw a picture of her with Storm Troopers and ended up feeling like shit when I saw her smile. She just looked so happy, and I used to be able to make her happy. More I felt guilty because I made her unhappy for atleast two months and probably made her feel trapped. I've been spending so long trying to get what I lost with her, something that I probably lost back in April. Most likely earlier. When I think about it she only let things go as they did up until the last day of school out of respect for what we used to have. But things were driven one sided for a lot of that time, and it would've been better if she did what she did earlier rather than later. It's pointless to have one person working towards a goal that involves two, and needs those two people to be trying. So I'm stuck here thinking, it's obviously not going to come back unless she tries. But I can't get her to try, atleast not directly. I don't think whatever I had with her, and any chance I may have had with her, can be gotten back because of that. Things are stuck one sided. But why do I still try, still hope? I know myself, and on my darkest day I don't give up, especially not on something like this. We never went past friends, well technically I did but she didn't, but sometimes it feels like we went even further. But I believe I've gone crazier than I was before. Despite me not giving up I end up having a fit of anger at myself and at the memories I have with her. I just go and remove anything that I may have even slightly shared with her. I already ended up removing all the comments on her blog. I refuse to remove all her comments on my facebook. But I just, I don't know. I'm not giving up, but I just can't take the haunting memory of what I used to have. I just feel like removing things from my memory. Like I could just block out all the good times I had with her. But I can't. It's just like how I won't remove the stuff she's commented on my facebook. I've reread her blog thousands of times too just because it's from when things were nicer. The last few posts aren't, but in whole it is. I still have the Kandi bracelet she gave me, and the stuffed cupcake I got for my birthday. I can't even destroy that. Just as much as I want to destroy the memories, I'm still fighting to hold onto them. I wish I could've held onto her, maybe convinced her giving things a chance was worth it. Yes yes, I'm drowning in a sea of regret, but who doesn't do that at least once in their life.

I'm not afraid to love but to be hurt
I've loved and lost and I've felt worse
Feelings of passion led to my ration
Of emotion to leave in cold motion
With no driving force I'm stuck where I am
Stuck in pain but I do what I can
But what can I do when it leads to pain
Every attempt it's sought in vain
Best left undone but still I do it
Success sought but I lost it
I'm best left alone to wallow in my gloom
Waiting for my doom I'll sit here and swoon
Or wait for a light that may never come
But in this shit life you know I'm never done
My heart's broken but my spirit's still one
And you know I'm always up for fun
Anything's better than nothing
And I don't want more hurting
So please, give things another chance
Cause you know that we were good friends
And I doubt that you'd hurt me again

I started writing this awhile ago, I wish I could finish it but I don't have the same drive when I was working on it before. There's a lot of breaks in flow that require pauses to make it fit the rhythm that I'd use with it.

Where Have Things Gone

So besides my current indecision about whether I should go back to using the name "Blue" for her or just stick with referring to in third person, I'm stuck deciding what I should do in general. I don't know if I should try to fix things at all, or let time work it's magic, or just give up for the first time. I've talked to a friend about it and he said I should atleast just wait, not just to try to get my bestfriend back but if I feel like I should pursue her as a love interest also. I remember she and I were talking about why we were drifting apart and she said it was because she is more mature at this point than I am. I honestly would beg to differ. Even though girls psychologically mature at a faster rate than guys do, she's almost a full year younger than I am. And her relationships don't normally last long. Her first boyfriend I don't remember how long but I believe it lasted only 2 months. Her next one lasted about that long also. This topic wasn't a solitary topic but is being accompanied by multiple other topics to talk about. I'm amazed I'm not a fatass again. In fact people have been saying I'm looking thinner. I even got weighed at the doctor's two days ago and I was under my average. This is me weighing under my average and looking thinner when I spent the whole summer Dota binging and sleeping a shit ton. I probably only managed to stay light because of my weird ass eating habit that I developed, having to eat every fifteen minutes but small amounts. Continuing on with the agenda, my weightlifting. My arms are still my bulky prides, so are my pecs (man boobs). They're not the biggest but they're not the smallest. I'd say it's because I still lift weights every week, even though it's a reduced amount. I find it odd that I have even managed to lift that much. Me lifting weights was always about me having someone to do it for, someone I felt I should protect, someone I wanted to impress with them. I'd always think of them when I lifted and it gave me the drive I needed. But when you run out of crushes except one girl that things are contorted and complicated with, it get's hard to find that drive again. Especially since she doesn't care about muscles. I always did it because I felt like I had to be there to protect her if I needed to, but I was being pushed away. Last but not least, school. The last few weeks of summer are the ones I've legitimately enjoyed. I started hanging out with this one girl that it was always either I was head over heels or hated her. I started getting out of my house again. I just feel newly invigorated. But now the summer ends and school, sadly, starts. Normally I'd be excited, and believe me I do have stuff to look forward to, but my first time being happy for more than an hour or so in at least four months is happening during the summer, I kind of want to hold onto it. Besides that I also have been talking to my brother's friends, they all told me my best memories are going to be of Highschool. Well I guess I'm just even more unique than I thought before. My best memories were in eighth grade, I didn't create that many memories in freshman year. I hope I make some memories this year. Then I have seeing her to look forward to. Hopefully it's something I should be looking forward to. Then there's all my other friends, a big black guy, this girl I know that's tempermental, etc etc. I have a feeling that this year is going to be good. But that's what I had a feeling about last year. During the school year the upbeatness of a person slowly gets drained as the pressure from school weighs down on them. And seeing as I'm just newly upbeat again, my friends are saying I've been a total dick lately which means I am upbeat, I don't know how fast the pressure from school is going to get to me. I just hope me being a laidback asswipe lasts longer than it did last year. I would like to be less of a dick in public though, I still need to have friends.

It All Depends

I'm scared bout the future but I'll live for the moment
Can't think about the past it causes trouble don't it
But when I don't know how things will end
Everything's good or so I pretend
But with this heartache it all depends
Whether she forgave me or if it ever ends
Whether she gives me this second chance
Or if I'm lead on to get hurt again
I can't bother her when she lives her own life
No one really needs to deal with the strife
The trouble I've caused that lead to a knife
That I toyed with cause I toyed with my life
She says she'll see but things are freaky
Never be the same and my pain is peaking
Pain from the fear that I hold inside
Pain cause I have no where left to hide
I'm out in the open, open to hurt
I have to be ready for something worse
But at this moment she comes first
So I'll just go before it gets worse

So I started writing this while listening to Waspy and walking to school for a camp. It changed much and much seeing as I only took the base idea and two lines. I'm not miserable, there is that. Well maybe a little, back to stage one where I don't know what's going to happen and get scared. I just need to keep that shit under control. But anyways I'm scared of what's going to happen. Not to do with school but between her and I. I already know things aren't going to be how they used to be, but where are things going to go. Are they just going to stay as they are? With her and I not having a friendship anymore and any conversation between the two of us will be beyond awkward? Are we going to rekindle our friendship and it'll be stronger than ever? I thought back on things, and she and I didn't fight that much, maybe two or three times. Honestly, it's good to fight, because if you don't things stay bottled up and shit like what happened happens. Her giving things another chance, if she really is, just make me scared because I don't know what'll happen and honestly I doubt anything good will. It's sad when my normally endless optimism gets defeated like this. I think this is the only time I've truly felt like I've given up hope.

Only The Best For You

So I managed to get to talk to Blue. Yes I'm calling her Blue again, because I'm not some baby that's going to keep whining about something, I can get over myself. Me deciding not to call her by that was probably more induced by butt hurt than by not being shown that side for awhile. So back to the core subject of this rant. I asked her if she could give things a chance, she said she'd see how things play out because she doesn't hate me, she just didn't want me to be more dependent on her than a baby needs his mom's teeters in the first year. There's also that for like two months straight she had to endure the worst of me, which is dark and contorted and annoying. Me moaning to her almost everyday about how much I felt for her and fucked up, I doubt anyone could really last more than a few weeks with that. So I innately decided in my vast sub-conscious that I'd only try to talk to her when I'm genuinely happy. She and I even had a conversation, a short, broken up one. It was just awkward because of all the shit that's happened. Things were more awkward between me and her than when I spent the day hanging around with this one girl that I'd always fight with, then crush on, then fight with, etc etc. And that saying, you don't deserve someone at their best when you didn't stay by them at their worst, or however it goes, doesn't totally apply here. I think that applies when someone is occasionally in a shitty ass mood, not everyday he's despairing and moaning. If I hadn't strained things so much already, I can't help but think she'd have stayed though. I'll just have to go back to hoping she's in the same class as me this year, that should fix things. Make things better, being in a class together can bring us closer pretty easily if I manage to talk.

Bi-Polar Music

So as I've mentioned before I music groups that aren't just one mood in every album. Off the top of my head I'd have to say Blink 182 and Hollywood Undead are prime examples of that. From what I read, when Hollywood Undead released Swan Songs they confused the fuck out of people with how it'd be a super sad ass song then some up beat one.  Going for No. 5 to Young and other shit. Blink 182, well lets take Enema of the State. They laced Adam's Song into it. They had other sad songs on it, but Adam's Song is the only one I can instantly recall off the top of my head. Let me go look up the track listing. Ok so Enema of the State isn't a great example. But what I'm saying is they're music isn't just one mood. And it can be confusing and in my opinion two faced. Like a relatively newer song by Hollywood Undead, Bullet. That thing, when I was listening to it I first thought of a kid's show theme song. Until I listened to it again and heard the lyrics. They made, a pop song, about killing yourself. Another song like that is Sweater Song by Weezer where the reception isn't what they expected. People didn't realize how serious they were in the song, the sweater being the relationship between the two people, etc etc. Weezer always manages to sound upbeat, even when they aren't. It fits how I work. My psyche is so fucking retarded, I'm crazy, and that's the best way to put it. I always talk like I'm happy to people in person, when I sound like something's wrong, it's way more worse than they think. I have the same psycho makeup of it. Hollywood Undead has six vocalist in it. That's why it's so bi-polar with it's music. Well I don't have six voices in my head, or six people in my body, but I sure as hell act like Charlie Scene just as much as Johnny 3 Tears. Everywhere I Go is a great theme song for me, but same with Bullet. Of course, I'm never going to go so far and do that dastardly suicide shit. Blink 182 is just nice. They're practically party boys, but when they release a serious song you'd have to have brain damage to think it's not.

Best Of Me

So I tend to find a lot of the songs I write about here by waking up and the song playing in my head, or I'm in the car listening to an album then I just start latching onto the words. This song is by Sum 41 on their album Underclass Hero. This is like how I felt when I was trying hard as fuck to fix things with her. I wasn't ready to let go then, and sad to say I'm not ready to let go now. But this mindset that's in the song, saying if he can just restart everything, that's not going to work. People don't forget, trust me I know. And sometimes the harder you try to fix things the worse it gets. When I look back, I really didn't lie to her, only time I can recall is when I asked her for Skyrim saying my brother wanted it, when really I just wanted an excuse to talk to her.

It's so hard to say that I'm sorry
I'll make everything alright
All these things that I've done
Now what have I become, and where'd I go wrong?
I don't mean to hurt, just to put you first
I won't tell you lies (I'm sorry)
I will stand accused 
With my hand on my heart
I'm just trying to say

So it's pretty blatant. He's saying he's done a lot of wrong things and he wants to try to fix things now.What he's done has changed him so he doesn't even know who he is anymore. He doesn't know when he screwed up, he just knows he did. The times that he did something for her, he didn't mean to feel pain while going through it. He's being sincere when he says sorry, despite what she may think. He means what he says. He's trying his best to say sorry.

I'm sorry
It's all that I can say
You mean so much
And I'd fix all that I've done
If I could start again
I'd throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me

There's never a better way to say sorry, than to just say I'm sorry. Of course you can always add on to it, but at the base you're just saying how sorry you are. She's too special to him to just let go away and he's willing to change himself for her, to change everything to make her want him in her life again. Leave nothing behind to regret, and the only thing that'd be left is what she'd consider the best of him.

I know that I can't take 
back all of the mistakes
But I will try
Although it's not easy
I know you believe me
Cause I would not lie
Don't believe their lies
Told through jealous eyes
They don't understand (I'm sorry)
I won't break your heart
I won't bring you down
But I will have to say

He wants to fix things as much as he can, he's not going to give up but keep going. Of course it's not going to be hard, but someone believing in you is a really powerful thing to have. He then keeps reiterating how much he means what he's saying, how he's being sincere in the purest form. Other people may want to sway her away for themselves, but don't listen to them. He's not here to cause hurt, he's not here to hold her back, he just wants to fix things.


Now you guys kinda see why I picked this song

Going Out To Graze

So I've talked about my awkward eating habits every now and then on here. I used to just have my backpack semi-stuffed with snacks, I had a special pocket for it, and eat it throughout the school day then get home and binge and eat dinner a few hours early. That was mostly because I had no time for a legit breakfast and was too cheap to buy my lunches, preferring to pocket the money instead. Now this was also a variant of an eating pattern that I liked and used to lose weight last summer. Rather than three meals like a normal person I do this thing my dad calls grazing, have snacks to hold me over throughout the day. It works by only giving you enough food to hold you over til' the next snack so it reduces excess proteins and fats and other random stuff you find in your food leaving you with just enough. The only problem with that is that I don't have enough of a drive to plan things out to ensure I get enough nutrients. I do make sure I don't eat all the same thing that day, but I don't plan things out. I just eat what I'm in the mood to, or what I can find. That ranges from a croissant to instant noodles to a peach to jambalaya. Despite my epically random ass appetite that should ensure my stomach as a durable force to be reckoned with, I have an aversion to food with too much sauce on it, specifically McChickens from McDonalds. Sadly that's my one favorite thing to get there. It's going to become where when I get a McChicken I have to ask for light or no mayo. It does work, but sometimes I'm too lazy to leave my room and I may be malnourishing myself. The way it works is when I get food I will get about a plate or bowl full of it and take it up to my room. I eat as much as I can and then I wait to feel hungry again. But around  midnight I feel more like sitting in my room and trying to sleep, and my last snack platter can hold me over til' then. Of course I don't get to sleep til' around two or three, so that's about three ours without food. Now then it just works off the extra, no biggy. I still have weight to lose, but my stomach size is probably small in an unhealthy way. My dad said I should see a nutritionist or dietitian to make sure I'm getting the right intake. I think my only real problem is vitamins because of my house being almost totally barren when it comes to fruit. Well it does have fruit, but it's fruit that you need to cut and stuff. I'm not that lazy, but I need to be in the mood. In the mood to cut then peel or any other hoops. I used to always have plums, peaches, the occasional apple, but my mom's on a bit of a rampage with the food. She goes to the Asian store every other day and buys a bunch of food, stuffs it in the fridge, and cooks it. Doesn't sound bad right? Hah, yea right. She buys more than she cooks in the days before she goes to buy more, and most of it is greasy stuff that after a few bites I need to sit and wait for my stomach to stop grumbling. Or I can eat a tums. It's weird, in American culture our dessert is unhealthy, but in most other cultures the main foods are greasy, sodium enriched and the dessert is the healthiest part. When I do eat a tums I can eat a meals worth of food in one sitting though. Back to the vitamins though, I think I've unintentionally weakened my immune system by not having as many vitamins B and C to take in. Because that washes out with your piss and I do that about three or four times a day, I have to refill it daily. But I don't have orange juice, haven't had it in awhile, and I can always use a vitamin C pill but I hate swallowing pills. Especially since the only ones I have are 1000 mg, for those that haven't seen one that's a big pill. Vitamin B is in a lot of fruit, which I eat atleast every other day. But my appetite will probably fix itself, as most things do.

Halfway Man

I personally consider myself a jack of all trades. Not a true one though, no I'm not an expert at everything I do. I just have a knack to get a good handle of everything I do, but I can never do it all the way. It's like being able to write, but not being able to make a plot. Some of it is I just lose interest in what I'm doing, other times I just can't get a better handle on it. Take gloving, okay so I'm above amateur with it. I know the concept and what things are, I've always been the brain freak with everything I do, and when I glove I can blow cause a brain melt. But I can't take it much past that. I watch gloving videos pretty often but I can't get down what the hell they're doing. There's the stuff that I know what they're doing, so I try it right? Well my hands just don't bend like that. Not every situation is I know it on paper but don't have the skill to carry it out. I just always have half of what I need to get done. Like, I can write, oh boy I can write. My specialty is long stories that are in first person because I'm better at talking as if I'm part of the story. But I try to sit down and write a book, or even a short story, I have an idea of what to write, it just can't happen. Plot development isn't my specialty. I remember I tried writing one before and I just kept throwing new characters in every chapter and made it sound like they were important, then just making them disappear from the plot. Or when I write lyrics. I can get rhyming down and an okay flow to it, but using sound devices and other literary terms is a small problem for me. I have to feel in the zone to do it. I listen to rappers like Eminem and G Eazy or even Hollywood Undead and can't fathom how they think of all the ways to work their metaphors, puns, allusions, similes, paradoxes, oxymorons, alliteration,  etc etc in. G Eazy would just throw them out. In "Runaround Sue" there's a line where he says " I can't believe I fell for your bull, Chicago" no tie in nothing, just thrown out there to finish the line. He tends to do that a lot, using irrelevance to tie the lines together. That sounds like an oxymoron, I know, but by tie the lines together I mean keep with the flow and rhyme pattern, not make them all make sense together. The lines of blather that I am proud of do incorporate more of the devices though. Another thing that I like is what Hopsin did in "Sag My Pants" where he spins off a line of long words that rhyme. "I'm just a idiotic, ironic, symbolic, illuminatic, product that's going to be killed if I talk about it." In academics I don't suffer that much though. Math is only one part so I there's no half to be missing on. Science the half that I don't do well with, memorizing formulas and stuff of the like, normally gets given to me. English I don't remember what goes on in there, but I'm genuinely interested in anything but reading books about Jews so I'm fine there. History and geography is just memorizing trivia, which I could do. I'm pretty sure I could go on jeopardy if I bothered to read the trivia before the game.

Who Needs Society

So I can accurately say that I have become a semi-hermit. With all the shit that's gone down and made me feel down, I rarely leave my house. Not being in the mood for much, are you surprised? That means no going out to do grocery shopping, no runs to 7-11 at six in the morning, and no going to friend's houses. No occasionally I broke my hermitry, but it pretty much became I'd leave my house once a week. Literally, I went to a friend's house on Sunday, biked for the first time in weeks by the way so I had to walk a lot of the way home, when I got there he said I looked pale as fuck. I believed him too, I haven't spent as much time in the sun as I intended to. Between Dota, moping, and sleeping there wasn't much time to leave my house. I even started putting on bellyfat again, so I need to cut back the eating and renew the bodybuilding. My tan's faded also. My arms used to be a dark orange brownish tint but they're more of a light orange brown tint in the top parts and forearms are fading, but still somewhat dark. Now of course, I'm trying to fix that. I have a few weeks before school starts again and I don't feel like going back with my flab for people to notice. Not after coming to school last year and being bulkier and thinner. I'd prefer to just have my mane be noticed. It's been growing for about four months now. Touches my collarbone. NOTHING compared to my brother's though, he normally has it in a ponytail but he had it out earlier and I was just awed, he looks like a girl from behind. He should shave his head and sell his hair to make a wig or something. Now, I like having a fullhead of hair, but I don't want a mane like his. By the time school starts my hair should be a little past the shoulders. And as for my flabs, I just have to reduce the smoked slim jim intake along with anything else that I eat. I do eat healthy food, just a lot of it. My hunger is weird, it's insatiable at home but I go to my friends house and I can barely finish one plate. And this one person, when I go to his house, he's used to me eating two or three plates before I need to use the bathroom to make more space. Well that's in the past. It's pretty much my school diet having it's effect on me. By school diet I mean skipping lunch to pocket the money and being kept by on snacks and what I scrounge of friends from the hours 11-3. Then around 4 or 5 it's open season at home, two or three plates of food go up to my room and leave empty. What I do is eat regularly when I lift weights, that means if I'm up for breakfast about five eggs and if I'm up for lunch it's three sandwiches, etc etc. There's snacking in-between. Only problem is, I'll wake up telling myself I'm going to lift but never am in the mood for it. I need to start forcing myself to hit the weights harder than Chris Brown hits Rihanna. A life of a hermit couldn't be that bad though.  No one to judge you or your appearance, and you'd be at peace a lot more often. There's also no chance of hurting others because there'd be no one around to hurt. Of course I couldn't handle something like that. Too much of a need to be social. Just ask my eighth grade English teacher, she deemed me a social butterfly. Or any teacher for that matter, I don't normally know how to shut my mouth. It wasn't so much a matter of respect as I have this cocky air about me that makes me think the knowledge will diffuse into my brain so I don't have to pay attention. Not to toot my own horn, but I normally learn fine with all my blabbing, I just have a bad memory about it after a month or so. Summer leaves us stupid for the next school year.

Good Things Will Come

So, despite my serious depression from it, it's better that I just wait for good things to happen. I found that when I act on something it doesn't really end how I wanted when it was something that could majorly affect me. Only problem is when I want to do something, I eventually do it the question is how long I can hold myself back. But, waiting is in my nature. Despite my impulsiveness at points, waiting is in my nature. I do get tired of being patient and letting things work themselves out. But if something's meant to happen, it will. Even if it's not what I asked for it's better that I sit there and take it rather than fight what I know won't stop. This is different from giving up, it's being more passive in the matter. I chose this topic because lately I have been acting. By lately, I mean a couple of months or so, you know it led to her leaving and me being a bipolar shit for the past two months. Let me correct that, a hyper bipolar, I was already quite bipolar prior to the event. But a few days ago I decided I'd use her borrowing Skyrim from me as an excuse to talk to her. Unlike what I did with the "Hey..." I flipped a coin like I used to, mostly because it just came to me. You see, flipping a coin may seem retarded seeing as it's always a fifty fifty chance, but that leaves things up to true luck. Nothing is more defined by luck than a fifty fifty situation. Anyways, what I do is I flip it three times and if it's mostly heads then whatever I'm deciding to do is a yes, if it's mostly tails, well you know, it's a no. I got a yes, and used my excuse to message her. She talked to me, which was really nice, despite she was straightforward focused on how to get me Skyrim back. She did correct my French, but me making retarded half assed jokes got no response from her. She went so far as to offer to send me a package with it, which I thought was a joke and led to me thinking she was giving me a chance to fix things again. Of course, I'm wouldn't have pursued her past friend. I'll always want more but anything is better than nothing. Plus, I found out the same day she's dating someone, no surprise there. Back to topic though, the next day (yesterday) I flipped another coin for whether I should send her another message. She missed out on fighting with the pig-headed religious homophobe last time, to what I think was her displeasure, so I figured she'd want to give him a nice word other people could see. I flipped a coin and got tails, I ignored it and sent a message anyways and she ignored mine. No surprise there. So I think I'm just going to stick to sitting and waiting for things to play out and hope it's in my favor, the way I used to. I have three years for things to change, so the only thing to make me anxious is loneliness.

Why Hate On A Homo?

So I guess this is a yearly thing, because this is the second time this happened and it's on the same profile around the same time of year. There's this one really religious kid enthroned in his beliefs and preaches them like everything else he says thinking it's undeniable truth. It's not his profile, it's on someone else's. The argument erupts on the other person's profile because I'm friends with the other person, as are other people that join in the argument. Last time it was about Westboro, and I don't remember the exact argument but it had him spouting stuff about homosexuality being a divine punishment. It was also an argument about gay marriage. That's what this argument was also. I decided to stay out of it and occasionally make a wisecrack hoping he'd eventually cry while another person ranted at him. Besides him insulting the IMS class, a class I knew he had no respect for, he shut up a lot in this fight unlike last time where I'd get long ass comments to read. Someone like him is a rare occurrence at this point, seeing as homosexuality is widely accepted. I don't know if you guys believe in it but our global consciousness should include it by now because of how widely accepted it is. That pretty much means, most people aren't going to bash on gay rights. Of course there's homophobe. I don't mind homosexuals, no not at all, but when I'm one on one conversation with them I feel a little uncomfortable to be honest. But I that's just because I'm not familiar with interacting with homosexuals. So anyways, down to business, I figured I'd state my beliefs now. I for one, as any usual would know, am an agnostic because I'm undecided on religion, among other things. I also don't think that it's right to force my views on other people, so even if I didn't agree with gay marriage I wouldn't fight it. I'd be like, they're over THERE and I'm over HERE. But I do agree with it. What makes marriage so special, what defines it to be reserved for a man and woman besides the bible, a book written a long time ago by someone that wasn't god? On Wikipedia it doesn't refer to any gender. And honestly, I think a gay guy would have more respect for the bond that marriage makes than a straight couple. In this day and age, divorce is really common. Any sanctity that marriage had has been trashed and stomped on by society so even if gay marriage would tarnish it, it can't make it any worse than it is now. Homosexuals fought and are still fighting to be able to say they're married and not in a civil union, heterosexuals had it handed to them and disrespected it. And honestly, because the real opponent in these fights and debates is religion and close-mindedness, what god would punish someone for trying to be happy? It's not hurting anyone except homophobes. I just know, I'd rather suffer the "fiery pits of hell" and have lived my life the way I wanted, than be up in the pearly gates, mostly because I'd be looking back on how unfulfilled my life was. That'd go the same if I were gay. Love isn't something bound by skin and organs, it's a part of your mental projection upon others.

I Miss You

So this has been a long overdue retarded analysis of a song. One of my more commonly picked sob songs also. It's by Blink 182, a band that I've talked about on this blog lots of times before. I'd have to say they're my favorite because they talk about problems that I go through too, and the emotion behind the songs are just as wacked off as I am, dark and bright at the same time. The song was co-written by Mark Hoppus and Tome Delonge employing a method they used to write Feeling This. They'd start of bouncing ideas around and when they settled they'd go off on their own to write. So lets get to the lyrics.

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want 
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

Mark Hoppus sings this verse. Now we've all had that day where everything just seems like shit until someone comes along. Or there's that person that's in a dark place but doesn't seem like they belong. The people we end up loving will always seem to be the best part of our bad days and stand out compared to everyone else. They're always going to seem innocent. She was that for me, even though she didn't want to be. I ended up making her feel trapped by my dependence on her and my constant despair. It just created a cycle, I'd be sad because she and I weren't the same anymore, I'd get a glimpse of it, then when It's not there anymore it's back to the beginning. As for her being an unsuspecting victim, I'd have to say she probably expected me to get feelings for her, I mean I am a notorious lover boy that does stupid stuff when he's lovedrunk. The next three lines allude to The Nightmare Before Christmas, a recent discovery I made today. I always wondered who Jack and Sally were. The Halloween on Christmas sounded pretty nice too, you know, have kids and say Santa Claus is a goblin that eats children that misbehave or something, and say Christmas is a day that we honor what he does by making our house resemble where he lives. Some bullshit along those lines. But them using Jack and Sally is going with the theme of the whole verse. In the worst situation, in the darkest place, beauty can still exist. Now compared to our world I'd say Jack Skellington's is a walk in the park, and you know she was the most beauteous person or thing I'll ever stumble upon in it. Last two lines, just him saying how special things are, and repeating it. This whole verse is like how things used to be. I'd occasionally woo her and say how nice things'd be if we were together.

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness 
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted 
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Tom Delonge sings this verse. This verse is like where I'm at now. They can't call the song "I Miss You" just because they say that quietly throughout the song, there actually has to be someone gone. Now everyday I wonder how she's been doing, and whether she's looked back on what she decided. Everyday I sit and wait for her on my computer to say something. I haven't tried to apologize to her directly anymore, that ended about a week after she abandoned things. I'd love to but I don't want to ruin her break from me that might not end. With her gone the shaky balance I achieved despite my misery gets upset. I stay up all night, my reason for that is quite different from the reason in the song. Tom is saying he can't sleep because she's gone and the pain makes it so she can't. I can't sleep because one, I'm a total insomniac by nature, and two she and I shared some of our better times online, at 9 P.M.-4 A.M. making it hard for me to sleep during a time like that. I stay up hoping for a message and wallowing in the fact it probably won't come. Wow, can't believe I spent most of this talking about the first two lines. Back on track. This is literally what I said, because when she left she said I'd just find someone else. I said I'm always going to need her. Of course it's not her job to always be there for me, in fact I'm surprised she lasted so long. I call me talking to people bothering them for a reason. And when she left, I just felt darker. Besides me being literally up when it's dark out more than bright, I just hated everything. I was re-experiencing a part of me that I forgot existed. But also, things are different without her around. Everything seemed dark because there was no one to make me feel better anymore, she'd left. After having her for over two years, it's kinda hard to adjust. The next three lines (I'm at "And as I stared I counted") I have trouble explaining. From what I read on interpretations it's going with the theme of dark and lonely. If you haven't been somewhere for awhile it tends to get spiderwebs and other bug crap going on. The last four though, that's just what I've felt. I want to message her, or even go so far as to call her, but I'm not going to. I can't. Even if I did I'd just get turned away. A couple days ago I sent her a "Hey..." (my reasons will remain undisclosed) and it got ignored. I honestly expected atleast something along the lines of go the fuck away. But even though it's not directly, I've been asking her to end my new nightmare. I really hope she still reads my shitstain of a blog.

Don't waste your time on me you're already 
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

Now this is repeated six times for effect. He's saying he can't be affected more than he is now. Normally the voice inside your head is someone that you always think of what they'd do if they were in your position. Or that you put yourself in their shows and judge what you're doing. I used to do that a lot. But now that she's gone, I don't see a reason to bother.