I'm Not The Same

It's not what I lost, it's what I've gained

But without what's missing I won't be the same

A different variation of the same old me

Rebuilt from the dust I'm not what I used to be

Less sleazy, more needy, more lonely indeed

And from this dead depression I can't be freed

I'm still a gamer, I'm still a hound

But things aren't the same without her around

She made me complete but left me in pain

She was a part of me that didn't remain

But at that point I wasn't the same

Sad to say that things had changed

A shift of focus, a new idea

A dead silence, a harsh cold fear

Of what could come, and it came

Without her I'll never be the same

I used to always say I don't give a fuck

Do whatever I want and leave things to luck

But no, not anymore

This thing called caring has made me a bore

Now that I think, rather than do

I lost my alure that I had with you

No reason to stay, you up and left

And now you see what's left

As things changed we grew far apart

But you still had your hold on my heart

We never went as far as I thought we could

But that's cause I said we should

While you said no, our friendship is gold

I agreed but I thought it meant more

It felt so right but you said it's wrong

And now's too late cause your gone

We were kindred spirits from the start

But that didn't save things when I tried to hard

To save what's left before it was gone

I hate my heart cause my love was too strong

I smothered you, to your distaste

Things felt bad and depression I faced

I can only say that I wish that you'd stayed (Spoken)

It's obvious who I'm talking to in this, and even though she detached almost all the connections with me I hope she still reads my sad, moany blog. I gotta say, I've needed her a few times this summer but if she and I start talking again it's not going to be because I couldn't stay strong. I could handle myself before when I didn't have her and I feel better off not being dependent on someone else again. I thought back on how things changed since last year. I miss how I was at the beginning of the school year. I neglected most things, I was always busy, I spent less time on the computer, I spent my whole time not thinking and just doing, and I spent less time wallowing in my emotions. When I first started liking her, it wasn't the full on obsessions it grew to be now, it was more like, heh I like talking to her and hanging with her. I didn't even hang with her much, unless you count us screwing around online all the time. Good times we had on the internet, like when we were on Nightshade all the time. There was that one point where I kept hitting on her, much to her annoyance, she's the rare type that doesn't like getting a bunch of attention. But when I ran out of distractions I had more time to think on my feelings and how things were with her. We had a slightly intimate friendship. And it just pains me that after I broke it trying to get things to progress to something more she slowly just gave up on me. That's the only thing I can ever hate her for, giving up on me. But I kept powering through, trying to fix things, which just ruined it more. In the simplest words, it was better when I didn't have time for her. When I decided to spend my time on the Xbox playing Mass Effect and CoD and it took all my focus. It made it so that when I was talking to her, she usually had started it and I was too distracted to have to think about stuff. I just said and did and that made things good. I miss her, I miss her a lot. And I check so many things every day just hoping she broke the silence with me. School is less than a month away, and I really don't want it to turn out she's in one of the same classes as me unless things change for what I'd consider better. If they don't change, I'm just gonna wallow in self-hate and despair for one class. Only thing is, I don't think I'm going to be able to handle just being friends with her if she did change things. I'm just going to always be seeing her as something more, and wanting more, and it'd just put things off balance. It's either everything or nothing because I can't take in-between. I can't help but think what she did pained her too, it's not vanity or denial, it's reasoning. She didn't want me to hate her, or atleast said that she didn't. She only removed me on things that would remind her I'm there. Steam gives you notifications all the time, so and so is doing this, etc etc. She's always on facebook. She either offlined or uninstalled ooVoo. But she didn't remove me on anything else, off the top of my head. She didn't do on Google +, or anything on my blog ( she didn't unfollow or block me from her page). I keep telling myself she's going to comeback because it seemed like she didn't want to be tempted to.