What To Do

So I've been looking for a distraction from my usual problems. I spent most of the summer throwing myself into Dota and becoming the above average player I am today. It worked as a good distraction. I can't wallow in my despair when I need to focus in a game, or else be raged at by people. But it's starting to be like how I was when I first started, uninterested. Now at first my loss of interest led to massive trolling that supported the article in Game Informer about the community, but it's back to me giving myself more time to wallow. I don't even play it all that often. Maybe two, three games tops a day? Most of the summer it was six games at the least, and around fourteen games at the most. There's always sleeping, such a prime distraction, but it's too late in the summer with school coming in a week for me to sleep all day. I can't even sleep at night. I am proud to say I've managed to start lifting at my regular pace again, by pushing myself to do it. It doesn't require that much focus though. Only using the benchpress requires focus. Everything else I find myself pausing in whatever form I'm in, no matter how uncomfortable or painful, and just being like "What the fuck am I doing" or just paused and instantly in thought. I'm a little timid to use the benchpress because I feel like I'm going to have the bar up, then all of a sudden freeze up and it drops down and chokes me to death. That wouldn't be all that bad, maybe even a little pleasant, but nonetheless I don't want that to happen. I also started boxing again. That's mostly because it provides a small amount of cardio, me not biking and running a lot, and it helps me get my anger at myself out, you know externalize the pain to distract from the emotional pain. I'm pretty sure that's part of what attracts emos to cutting, they just have so many other problems they don't want to focus on and slashing their thigh or side or wrists make it so they don't think about the emotional pain. I also got told by this one girl that it also releases a chemical in your brain that induces euphoria from the fact that they were the ones that did that harm. Back to the boxing though, I've wrapped my hands well enough that they don't get the scars and scrapes they normally do, but that does jack shit for my elbow. Seeing as I like to box with my elbow being thrown in, and practice landing uppercuts that involve an elbow to the chest also, along with tying my elbow into hooks, well lets leave it at it gets torn a lot. Doing something like boxing just leaves me even more enthroned in my emotions. I tried reading my books for school but that hasn't totally worked. I'm barely an eleventh through The Life of Pi. That's due to me preferring to listen to music when I'm reading, something that deters me at this point. Besides the fact that for some reason the book makes me think of her as I read it, not just because she picked it also, but because of my choice in music. I prefer the music I listen to to reflect my mood, and when it's a bad mood it leaves me getting enthroned in whatever mood I'm in and I can't do any work because I'm just clouded with other thoughts. I can't even daydream about other girls like I used to. When I try to think of other girls I just get a flooding of images of her. Some of them are pictures, some of them are memories, all of them just make me feel pain. I honestly think that maybe me seeing her in school is going to lead to my first time in awhile that I've cried in public. I mean I see a picture of her with a smile and I just broke down, and that's at home, by myself. Being in public will be a strong deterrent from tears forming, but I've already come close a few times before. I guess it's simplest said that I've been strong in front of others too long, and it's starting to wear down on me.