It All Depends

I'm scared bout the future but I'll live for the moment
Can't think about the past it causes trouble don't it
But when I don't know how things will end
Everything's good or so I pretend
But with this heartache it all depends
Whether she forgave me or if it ever ends
Whether she gives me this second chance
Or if I'm lead on to get hurt again
I can't bother her when she lives her own life
No one really needs to deal with the strife
The trouble I've caused that lead to a knife
That I toyed with cause I toyed with my life
She says she'll see but things are freaky
Never be the same and my pain is peaking
Pain from the fear that I hold inside
Pain cause I have no where left to hide
I'm out in the open, open to hurt
I have to be ready for something worse
But at this moment she comes first
So I'll just go before it gets worse

So I started writing this while listening to Waspy and walking to school for a camp. It changed much and much seeing as I only took the base idea and two lines. I'm not miserable, there is that. Well maybe a little, back to stage one where I don't know what's going to happen and get scared. I just need to keep that shit under control. But anyways I'm scared of what's going to happen. Not to do with school but between her and I. I already know things aren't going to be how they used to be, but where are things going to go. Are they just going to stay as they are? With her and I not having a friendship anymore and any conversation between the two of us will be beyond awkward? Are we going to rekindle our friendship and it'll be stronger than ever? I thought back on things, and she and I didn't fight that much, maybe two or three times. Honestly, it's good to fight, because if you don't things stay bottled up and shit like what happened happens. Her giving things another chance, if she really is, just make me scared because I don't know what'll happen and honestly I doubt anything good will. It's sad when my normally endless optimism gets defeated like this. I think this is the only time I've truly felt like I've given up hope.