Well Then

So I kinda did some figuring in my mind, and I believe you've been reading my blog still. If you are, thank you, I really mean it. The fact that you still read my blog means something. Just the idea gives me a renewed spark of hope. A really faint, and flickering spark but still a spark. Remember when I called you my therapist? Despite your protests against it? I believe that was back in eighth grade or during the summer between eighth and ninth. Well that's because you were the only person that saw the emotional side of me. Other people do, but you're the only one I could go to. You still kind of are, even though I don't talk to you anymore. I can't go to my brother with it, he's more of like a roommate than a brother. He's just there to play videogames with me and occasionally give me advice. Or step in when I screwed up. But not there to council me on my problems. Chentos? Yea I occasionally talk shit out with him, but he's not my first choice in it. He's there when I need to be cheered up, not when I don't know what to think. Whilo? Oh hell no, unless he's read this blog or been told by someone else he still thinks you and I are friends.  He's just there to get into trouble with, never once have I had some deep conversation with him. Twerky? Yea I could've gone to her, if I hadn't thrown that friendship out the window over some petty shit. Just up and stopped talking to her then one day I change my mind, I'm like whatever, she said she missed talking to me but I couldn't flip things around. Hollister Lesbos? Well she and I do talk, occasionally, and she gives me council. But she doesn't know that much about my life. She knows I was close to you, and devoted to you, but doesn't know anything much about me. Even if I were to just up and talk to her about that stuff, things would be awkward. Then there's Del Pino, I'm pretty sure I could talk that stuff out with her too. But I don't talk to her much. I can barely hold a conversation with her. Things between me and her are staticy, like things between me and you for the last two months of our "friendship". Minus the occasional good conversations, yea she and I only have short ones. You're the only friend I had that I could have some deep conversation about some shit that just happened, but also have the total guy conversation involving levels of immaturity. But again, the idea that you read this blog gives me hope for the future, hope that things are gonna change for the better. Just like during that two month period before school ended, the only thing that held me on is that when I finished I'd be able to hang out with you. You never tried to alter that bet. And how before that, when I initially screwed up, you said "I'm not accepting your offer until you're sober". Me being drunk that night is my biggest regret, but when you said that line. I remembered that when I was hungover the next day. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, we would be moving past the friendzone. But I wouldn't shut up and be content with what you said. I had to keep blabbing on about how much I loved you, half of which was straight gibberish. I was lucky my brother was there to pick me up and put me on the couch before I somehow screwed things more than I already had. But you know, I felt slightly more miserable those two months and only thing that kept me going is telling myself, there's a reward at the end. She's going to hang out with you if you can do this. But I got robbed of that. I just played it off as a really early birthday present, not having to hang out with me. My reward got replaced with pain, and spending almost everyday mourning. Crying in the shower in a ball. Holding a pillow between my chest and knees while I tried to sleep every night. Everyday just wallowing in the pain of losing you even further, wallowing in the memories that were of fun times, but now just remind me of what I lost, and everyday just telling myself atleast she's happier. When my mom got home from Taiwan every week it was something else for her to rage about. I wanted to talk to you each time I had to put up with that shit. But I didn't, I told myself let her enjoy her peace. But whatever. Point is, I still have hope by finding out you're still reading the blog, if my assumption is correct. As long as you still read this it means things aren't over yet. But whatever happened to what you said on my birthday. That we've been good friends for awhile and you didn't want it to stop. But you were also the one that truly put an end to it. Even though I may have set things in motion, you were always the one in control.