So To The New Year?

So today's New Year's Eve, what a great joy. If the sarcasm isn't obvious it's because I don't see it as much of a holiday. It celebrates people getting drunk off their ass, but also pledging to fix themselves. Now the pledging to fix themselves is something that shouldn't be holiday oriented. It should just come naturally rather than a calendar telling you to. There's also my deadening enthusiasm to post again. I found when I'm feeling happier, I'm less prone to post because I don't have a need to complain or moan about what's wrong with my life. I could always make happy posts, but I'm having more trouble doing that than I did when I began. I'd like to say my New Year's Resolution is, as usual, to go back to being the jolly fuck  I used to always be. Even though times change, my previous personality is one that I missed. Sometimes being a total asshole seems more appealing to me, less need to stomach the gut wrenching fucks I see at school, a lot easier to externalize anger and annoyance. Of course, I still enjoy things how they are, I don't want to be a dick to people more, I just want to be able to smile, be social, and not feel like the weird kid that belongs in the corner of a party cause he can't make good conversation with anyone. I'm slowly feeling like Holden Caulfield from The Catcher In The Rye due to my momentous disgust of society and my slow growth to being more anti-social along with it. But my other resolution, which helps with growth in the first one, is removing my thoughts of her. I've been trying hard as fuck and it takes forever to get any progress. But as long as I still ponder thoughts of her, I'm still going to always feel depressed. My favorite thing about school, my reason for ignoring homework and doing what I find interest in, it's because it distracts me. Reading a boring ass book or doing math problems leaves my mind time to wander until it settles on a subject. But, atleast I know I can purge myself of my problem eventually.

Let's Write a Book

Eyes blazed red not just from the rage
He's still stuck trying to write the next page
But the last chapter's so long and drawn out
It's become everything that the story's about
The readers keep interest but what of the author
His mind is in it but his heart's for another
He hates where he is and wants to get out
But every time he leaves it's on a roundabout
As he rounds the next turn his mind's still a blur
Distorted and twisted by the thoughts of her
The thoughts that he never seems to escape
Even in sleep he feels wide awake
The feelings that seem to haunt everyday
The urges that seem to never go away
Because all he knows is his own pain
He reciprocates actions almost the same
Suffers in silence with his thoughts feeling faint
Can't lift his madness but makes it rain
The author lives everyday deranged
Never to find an ease to his pain

I kinda like these verses I wrote, express a feeling I have. As stated earlier, I got reminded by the most unexpected person well you should be able to guess who it was. Literally just a casual hey which I responded to with a question mark. She even gave me advice on being an Admin, including a message to relay to another one on the page. But I knew whatever I got was temporary, when school starts back up I'm going to continue to avoid her, not look at her, not talk towards her. Not just because I doubt she wants any attention from me, but even though talking to her was like a nice breeze to the face on a hot day, it's more comparable to a heroin needle. I'd enjoy it for then but the pain from not being able to continue enjoying it will be unbearable, is unbearable. I started to feel duller, less wandering thoughts about her, less strikes in the back of my mind everytime anyone talked about her in a conversation I was part of. But her talking to me made me lose that progress. I doubt it'll last long though. I'll be back to how I was before she decided to grace me within a week or two. But hey, even though I hate those feelings it's nice to know they're still there.

An Admin's World

Oh god, I need to get back into this. It's been so long, I mean IT'S ALMOST BEEN A MONTH. But being a facebook admin isn't as fun as I thought it would, especially when you're feeling more socially introverted than usual. Not knowing what to say, losing your natural ability to entertain people that aren't right there in front of you, it's really saddening to me. So I had a nice start, getting a good amount of likes on each picture I posted on the page, but then I kinda got lost along the way. Either I started picking bad content, or I already picked all the good content. If that weren't bad enough, if I didn't say it in my reopening post, I'm hated on the page. Not overly hated, thank astral being, but I've been called a tumor. Well, someone told me if he had a tumor he'd name it after me, which made me feel honored. Like people being dickholes is one thing, but if it's to someone that they don't know, or is trying hard enough to do something for them, you know reviving a page that was dearly loved, it's fuckboy shit to be an ass to them. But hey, then again it's the internet and they have a mindset of anyone new is murder to the page. There was another kid that kept complaining on the page about how shitty it's become and how he'd do better. Cause he thinks just cause it's offensive it's good content. He got to being an admin, which shut him up, and he can shit post sometimes. One of his pictures which was horridly dull  got reported, an old 9/11 joke with an xbox achievement pulled up on it. It didn't get jack shit on it either, which annoyed me more. There's one thing to post something that's offensive and funny, but to post something offensive and more worn out than a prostitutes slot, well then what the fuck. I honestly don't care much about offensive content seeing as I have a very desensitized and diluted radar for finding things offensive, and am more just wary of others. I can thank one of my friends for that, he likes to say fucked up shit in private, which got reciprocated by someone I don't really enjoy that likes copying him, except it was out loud to his class. Like fuck, I'm from the internet. You see fucked up shit everywhere. There's just a few things that can get to me. Like someone calling their own sibling a retard, which I personally find offensive. I mean shit, that's your flesh and blood atleast use a nicer term. But whatever, I have posted my own semi-offensive content on it. Specifically about how Justin Beiber should kill himself to truly be the Kurt Cobain of this generation.

Here, Have An Update

So I was reminded by the most unlikely person about my abandonment of this blog, which leads to my apology to anyone that actually enjoyed the rants and ramblings I have here. I didn't abandon it much by choice but because I found the stuff I was saying was just repeating what I've already said, and in general it was quite bland and uninteresting. It saddens me how much I've lost my sense of humor and ability to interact with other people. But so, I have an update on my life for anyone that may care to read. First off, I'm an admin on Hipster Darth Vader and I haven't done the best job but an ok one. I'm still trying to find good content, but my sense of humor can differ greatly from others. My pictures are so hit and miss and about 75% of them will get a good amount of likes, while the rest barely scrape up 5. But hey, atleast I'm an admin. I'm only even an admin cause she decided to leave the page so I asked for admin when the person she gave it to was looking. He wanted me to be one earlier so I got it. Another update, I have started listening to more Hoodie Allen. There's also some OCD: Moosh and Twist that I listen to. Both pretty nice artists to listen to, OCD is a black white duo, which always manages to produce nice music. Umm what else. Oh, I got another glove set, yes another one. That makes my 3 eLite one, this one is again the newest ones, Chroma. The Oracles were nice, but the Chroma, oh god the Chroma. I haven't even programmed them and I'm already obsessed with them. I have another light up toy now as well, Podpoi. I still need to learn them though, they're a lot different from poing with gloves. First day I got them I hit myself in the face four or five times right off the bat. I'll try to get back to posting on here though. I just haven't had anything to say in awhile. My final update though, my hair is LONG. Not as long as my brother's used to be, sadly used to be. He shaved his hair which he's been growing for like a full year. But my hair turns out to curl, not super curly, but it has about 2 inch curves to it. I think, more like hope, it's just a few weeks from a ponytail. I've been growing it for awhile without the cut it so it grows faster technique. I really wanna get dreads, something a couple people have told me to do, but my hair is too slick. Whether I wash it or not it can't get braided that easily.

:/

I could use someone to talk to right now.

Me

Blink, Blaze, the infamous Fuckboi
Facets of many but the name of the only
The chillest nigga you'll ever chill with
The biggest dick you ever fucked with
Just roll up at my crib and walk right in
Don't care who you are no reservation
This ain't a restaurant but you're served like it is
Food up front and it seems endless
Don't know who you are, and honestly don't care
Just welcome you in you can sit over there
In a chair, on the ground, on a bitch's lap
Just get comfy and try hard to laugh
My life is a party but not like G Eazy
I live life to laugh and stay from the sleazy
My dick still clean and left untouched
But that don't mean that I can't give it rough
The weekend partier needs to party hard
So let's sneak out and cruise in the car
Lets crack a bottle and drink til' we fall
Don't care about the age cause nigga fuck the law

You fuck with me well then you get beat
Laid out on the ground you're just a sack of meat
Tenderized filleted and juicy to extreme
I'll teach you better than to mess with me
That includes my friends, my family, my crew
If people were money you'd call me a jew
I don't let go and I protect every cent
Cause if you fuck with them I don't care where I'm sent
You're gonna be broken to every fuckin end
Not just the face but also your mind
Once you fuck with them it ain't a waste of time
Just a fast one two then a quick three four
Then a kick hit hit and you're bleeding on the floor
My family off limits cause my family is me
You leave them alone if you like to breath
Cause only one nigga touches them, that nigga's me

I respect where it's due and curses won't earn it
Profanity's just words not a badge of courage
Not something to follow just a word that you spout
To seem like you're bigger when you're small as a mouse
Better watch your language cause it reflects who you are
The curses I spit are a lick of how far
I'm willing to go but aren't aggressive like yours
They're expressive in manor emotions procured
While you spout your words cause you know no better
You think you look tough but you just look deader
Think before you speak and speak before you act
Because what you say you might want to take back
The "burns" that you use and the names you call me
Don't do any damage but misrepresent me
They show how stupid the stupid can be
Because you misjudge, so you lost to me

So I gotta say, I'm proud of this one. Kinda like a reintroduction to who I am. As usual, I'm the chillest of the ill and the illest of the chill  and honestly prefer to relax, fuck around, and let shit happen. I don't really regard what's allowed and what is, I just focus on the prime goal, having fun. Cause if you can't enjoy your life then what's the point of life? Then the second verse clearly states my overprotective state. Where there's a lot more than just fucking with me, that's considered fucking with me. I don't just sit and watch as someone connected to me takes shit, because only he or she gets shit from me or someone else in the group. Outsiders need to watch it before they get it. Then the final is like my warning. My stating that I'm choosy about who I respect and I don't respect the little shits that think cursing makes them look tough and crap. Respect is something earned, not taken. You can't earn anything just by spouting curse words. Despite Lil Wayne, he did have a come up on his career before the every other nigga pattern to his lyrics. The final thing is, even if you don't respect me you gotta think before you just straight up disrespect me. Because I'm not the type that gets pushed around unless I allow it.

The Illest of the Ill

So, firstly, I'd like to apologize for my recent dry spell of babbles. Seeing as I make about one every week now, and sometimes not even that frequent, I feel bad. Especially since my weekly babble doesn't normally have any quality. Well this one, I hope, should have some nice quality to it rather than being a brief complaint, a verse of an unfinished rap, or any other short shit that I put up here.

Now if you couldn't tell, this post is going to be about music. Besides just my usual, babbling about rap, I'd like to make a proclamation. MY BROTHER IS MOVING ON WITH HIS MUSIC CAREER. That looks a lot more special that it truly is. By him moving on, I mean he's making his debut open mic night at a restaurant near my house. Honestly, he's a pretty skilled G-tarist but I don't know what to expect. His usual is heavy music riddled with profanity, or atleast listens to. And his writing? Well I don't normally hear lounge type music, more of a screamer or a some rap song mixed with electric. He does have some mellowed out songs though. You can check them out here : (I'll put it in when I find it myself, he had it posted but he deactivated his facebook, or maybe blocked me but I doubt he blocked me)

So to the bulk of this post though, RAP. Yes, as you predicted I wanted to blab about the infamous genre that makes up most of what I listen to. Currently besides Flatbush Zombies and The Underachievers I've been listening to other not so well known rappers. By not so well known, I mean rappers that have never been mentioned here, or are still relatively new to being mentioned here. Also there's the new Eminem album, really loving it. Well it has a bit of a different tone in a lot of songs. I do like Bezerk and as of yet need to listen to the rest of the album. The tone in Rap God, which is still well written, is the one that I'm talking about. A low, slightly underlyingly depressed tone that makes me think he's not just bragging but moping also. As for the other rappers. Right now my preferences are for ScHoolboy Q and Ab-Soul. They've done work with Kendrick Lamar but they haven't achieved the hardcore publicity that makes rappers better known. There's also Joey Bada$$. All pretty sick rappers. Personally, of the two songs I've listened to by ScHoolboy Q, who I found through a Youtube Mix, are pretty sick. THere He Go and Collard Greens are nice. Of course, THere He Go is more of a bragging song, but Collard Greens is just a chill song where you could just drift off listening to. Ab-Soul's song Terrorist Threats is great. Especially the line, "If all the gangs in the world unified, we stand a chance against the military tonight" ScHoolboy Q and Ab-Soul are label mates with Kendrick Lamar, which explains the collaborations, but they also belong to a group called Black Hippy. As for Joey Bada$$ I can't pick out a specific song that I like by him, mostly because I listen to him on Youtube mixes and never looked at the titles, but he's done some nice work. Actually now that I look through my history, there's one he did with Captial STEEZ called Survival Tactics. Although he goes with a popular metaphor right now, the BITCH I'M A MARTIAN, thing I'd say he's pretty original. With the start after the gun shot I got hooked. Now the final rapper I have to talk about is Chance the Rapper, I haven't listened to much of him and still have to listen to more of him, as I do for the rest of the rappers, but the song he does with Hoodie Allen is pretty nice. Now that I think about it I need to download some YONAS also. Now for 5 or 6 videos.

Going Blind

So I'd like to say that it's been long and hard, yea I said those two words together, since summer started and she decided to abandon me. Since that horrid moment in my personal history, I've slowly lost sight of myself. Besides starting to get crushes on girls just because they're "pwetty" or reducing lifting weights, I've just started to just be a Moba addict. In fact, Dota has been fucked by a recent update so I started playing, sadly, League of Legends. I've also half abandoned this blog. I'm surprised that the posts I do make get views. I guess I somehow post interesting and important stuff, but I really don't know. But back to the subject, I want to go back to me again. To the guy that always knew why he did something routinely. I still need a reason to lift weights. Before? Well before I'd tell myself who I had to protect, who I was going to protect. But now I don't know. Those thoughts, they're irrelevant now. I've lost touch with them. It was two girls, one of which you should know who is, the other only a few will know. I always said I lifted weights because I was always going to be there to protect them. But, I lost touch with them. I try, and try, to fix shit with her, I really do. I'm scared that things are going to become what they've become with the other girl. We only talk when one of us needs something. We're not friends or anything. Mostly it's me that needs something. If I attempt casual talk it just fails after a few things get said. But I guess that's what's coming. It's amazing how when someone's hope deteriorates slowly so does the rest of them until they're only what you see when that guy looks in the water and there's a ripple from a pebble. It's the same person, but distorted. Distorted to the point where you can barely recognize him or her. I want to go back to being me. The jovial, carefree, dickhole that people love.

Up at Five

I'm up at five cause I'm wasting my life
Not moving forward so I'm up all night
Contemplating things that shouldn't need thought
But as I drift off my mind isn't gone
I'm up at five cause my heart's misplaced
Left in a desert it's sandy and scraped
Blown by the wind it's never the right shape
It contorts, controls, patrols my thoughts
But if I follow it Imma get lost
Lost as lost as my heart is
Just stuck regretting the things I did
But I can't think about that, pain's what it is
To think the thought of the theme of this song
It's loneliness brought on by my wrongs
But they can't be righted the way that I want
So I'm stuck longing for a pleasant thought
So I'm up at five feeling down at a one
I stay up all night to watch the sun
But it never rises like it's always done
The beauty is lost cause my mind's the same way
I never can truly enjoy my day
I'm stuck contemplating the rights for my wrongs
But as I said before, the right's never done

Airheads Vs. The Absent Mind

So I've found that I love air heads. I love talking to air heads and except for I think one person, all the girls I've had a thing for tend to be air heads. Now you might want to know my definition of an airhead. Being one doesn't exactly mean that you're stupid, it means you don't think things through, so you only appear to be stupid. Yes, yes I know. This looks like me making an excuse to like stupid chicks. But as I said, they're not always, ALWAYS, stupid. I have had that lapse in judgement where I crush on some airhead that is highly stupid just because she's pretty. But that's a rare occasion. I enjoy intelligent conversation. Or atleast a conversation where I understand just as much as the other person is. When I get into a conversation where I have to explain things that I'd expect them to know I really annoyed. Or if I get into a conversation where the only things I can think to talk about are leading me to explaining and eventually lecturing, I don't like them. I sure as hell enjoy them. But no, I get self-conscious because I'd been talking a whole lot more than the other person. I don't like doing that type of stuff. But as for the second half of the title. I'm not an airhead, I'm absent minded as fuck.  I tend to not be there in most situations now. Even in a conversation I can drift off and forget what the fuck was going on. It makes it hard for me to pay attention to details occasionally. But nonetheless, I still overcome. That actually gives me a string of new names I could use if I ever become a professional glover. Blank. The Absent Mind. Brainfart. Eh, the last one is a not so much. It's funny though.

Survival Of The Fittest Right?

So everyone should be familiar with Charles Darwin and his theory on evolution correct? Well just to reiterate it revolves around the idea that the strongest, and fittest, are naturally selected to survive because if they can't last they die out. Well, I'd like to call bullshit. That theory, although technically correct, is becoming irrelevant in "modern" society. The point of the quotes is because there are still areas of the earth that we haven't been able to discover or explore, or parts of the world that haven't developed to the point that they can have a lifestyle where Darwinism is irrelevant. But, I'd like to just say this right now, HUMANS FUCKED OVER DARWINISM. With domestication of animals and technological advance we lose the ability to physically evolve and are at the point where we can only advance on a technological level. I'd like to say this too, technological advance is just going to lead to societal collapse. Think about it, you'd think that when technology advances so does society right? Well I'd beg to differ, if you look at a lot of the "Advanced" civilizations we live in today you don't see that much of a society. You see more hate, violence, and disgust than ever before. Have you heard of the Aborigines? They didn't believe in violence, nor in excess. This is seen in a lot of cultures that were natives but abolished by Europeans. They only hunted what they needed, not more. I can't say the same about violence though. But where's that now? Or, oh I know, physical fitness. The term "I'm going to grow up to be your boss" is because this society focuses more on mental advancement and allows for physical digress. While there is the slight chance that some bonehead jock does go into sports, that's not the point of this. The idea of a mental superior that can also kick your ass is rarely prevalent to me. In this society laziness and obesity are practically promoted by the emphasis on technology. Until I find a computer that helps me burn calories faster than typing these blog posts, I'm going to keep working out everyday(when I remember to). There's mental digress going on and no one notices it. A reduction in moral also. The "advancement" of society leads to so much things that honestly disgust me. But, as everything does, there's a trade off. Of course you can always balance it out. When it comes to advancement the trade off is of growth. We're slowly trying to balance out, but right now the weight put on intelligence is a little too much. I respect ancient societies for the simpleness and the emphasis on skills that not that many people have anymore. In our modern society, Darwinism has been fucked because we help the weak live. We're going against nature. I'm not saying sick people need to die, no. I'm saying that in other aspects we're screwing over evolution. We're currently going through a mental evolution though. With the rise of first Crystal children and now Indigoism along with a rebirth of emphasis on spiritualism and health this is what I was referring to as us slowly balancing out. But that's still hundreds of years off before we can compare to the mental capabilities of ancient civilizations and tribes. And honestly, the disadvantage a lot of "third world" societies are at won't is just an advantage in disguise. As supported by a book I have to read for school, their economic disadvantage provides more opportunity to advance mentally. If there's one thing you can learn from history and from anything else, everything has a rise, climax, and decline. Nothing is ever permanent. In a sense, you could call Europeans the descendants of pussies. Thousands of years ago they left Africa because they couldn't stand the conditions. The people that obviously stayed behind were the stronger ones. They still get crippled by disease and famine, but physically the ones that do eat I'd be scared of. If I went to Africa I'd be the most respectful person ever, not just because I'm not gonna be there with a gun but because I'd probably be going to a village where I'm not respected. I may be buff, but that's compared to school mates that don't have to hunt or do other physical activities everyday. That's compared to school mates that don't do much any exercise everyday. Not saying there aren't. I'm not the beefiest kid at my school. But if I go to Africa, to a village, I'd imagine the only thing that makes me stronger than a 10 year old there is because he's malnourished and I'm not. I'd imagine a 10 year old African villager, that has eaten at a good enough rate, could throw me on the ground and beat the crap out of me as easily as I could tear a piece of paper. Thanks for reading my rant, sorry about there not being pictures.

Third Eye Blind

Third eye so strong I could see if I were blind
I be leading this race and I'm leaving yal behind
You better catch up you need to open your mind
You may be able to see but really you're blind
Open your eyes, leave your body behind
Explore the world to expand your mind
It's weird that I made every line rhyme
But that's how it is and it still sounds fine
I talk a big talk but I walk a big walk
I walk everywhere and you can see my strut
I'm confident, cocky, hardy and all
But in all honesty I'm really real small
I know my situation but do you know yours
You sit there in excess and laugh at the poor
Wasting your money and time everyday
Not spending to help in every way
Not saying you should but it's better than now
Where you sit and you sit then you sleep on the couch
You don't move a muscle and you seem like a mouse
You're small in this world but you're big in your house
Government thoughts you can't think for yourself
You've gotten lost and don't want to be found
You cry for a wolf but expect for a hound
You probably know it but you're sinking down

So I ended up writing this, along with some sets of lines under a similar theme, after my brother kept mentioning this rap duo called "Underachievers". They're semi-mainstream in my mind in their style. They talk mostly about doing drugs, but unlike most people they tie it in with the psychological and spiritual effects. I mean like fuck, they met by smoking together and connecting over psychedlics. They've worked with Flatbush Zombies also. Well I'm not surprised, they both came from Flatbush. Flatbush Zombies have worked with some bigger names though, like Juicy Jay, A$AP Mob, and Joey Bada$$. But back to the point. I figured I might as well make a slightly egotistical rap about my spiritual superiority to most people.

Enjoy some Underachievers

Fire In Yo Face

So I'd have to say that my rave apparel is near completion. I still intend to get a set of PodPoi, was gonna get them for my birthday but got a firepit instead, but as for gloving, until they make a chip that even more amazes me than the current one I don't really need to make any new purchases besides batteries. I have my fuzzy gloves with programmed Oracles in them. I have more than enough masks. Well actually I have two. I'd say I have three but one of them I screwed up trying to make a custom mask with it. So now I just have a blank one coming in the mail, and then "Wraps". I could also call it Burn but I like calling it "Wraps". Then for more of an effect, and a part of a show, I have this Spiderman hoodie that zips all the way up. Idea is I have "Wraps" on and wear the hoodie over it, and I zip down the hood to show another face. Not the best thing to do, but it still could work. People are gonna like it also. But I got that hoodie to wear, or if I feel like doing more arm tuts I'll just wear a sleeveless or T and my Emazing Snapback or one of my Fox Hats. I gotta say, if I wear the blank mask I don't even need a hat, as long as my hair still flows over it. As for other arts, my plan is after I get my PodPoi I'm going to get a set of devilsticks. After that I have no clue, maybe nunchaku. This is just a fun ass hobby, people tell me it's expensive but honestly it's not. It's better than people always shopping and spending money that way. Most of the stuff I get it's a straight up one time cost, and then occasional costs to improve what you have or replace batteries. PodPoi I don't even have to buy batteries for, and devilsticks I won't need batteries for until I buy an elecrtic set, which is around I think 200 dollars.

Luvaholic

Yes it's another one of "Those" posts, bear through it or leave I honestly couldn't give a fuck.

So, I've used the term" Lovedrunk" to describe myself multiple times here, so I figured the noun term that I would fall under is a "Luvaholic". Not just that I can fall easily in love, something I've combated by waiting on to see if it's just my usual cheery, delirious mood or if it's legit, but also that I tend to keep those emotions and they don't go away. I don't exactly enjoy it. Especially since, when I do my usual stuff to entertain people I normally get a laugh from a good amount, so I can't tell when a girl smiles at me whether it's cause I'm funny or she likes me. I could purposely make a horrid joke and then the girls that laugh probably have a thing for me, but I have too much pride and a reputation as "funny" to attempt that approach. I've also said how I easily I learn things from T.V. and relate to characters on it. Well, I'd say I'm a Ted Mosby. I can go on about the most boring things, but I'm still interesting. My obsessions are few and major though. Most of all, I don't feel like I can handle myself around a girl if I feel like I've fallen in love with her, I get nervous and shit. And if something happens I can be around that girl, but I can't talk to her and just avoid her without thinking. You don't know how many times in class I dread the chance there is that I get paired up with her to do something. I just, it creates such an anxiety sometimes. Of course, if that were to happen it may actually help me, but I still don't want that to happen. But, you still learn stuff. Friendship happens, Ted pursued and had his thing with Robin and then they broke things off and despite the awkwardness what got them to like each other in the first place attracts them together again as friends. I need some opportunity for that to happen. But whatever, I doubt it will anytime soon and I don't particularly look forward to it if it ever does.

Light It Up

So I've been thinking about it, and it's about time I made another video of me gloving. I put it off for so long because I was creatively stuck and couldn't generate new methods and flips. At this point, I can tut now. Not just finger tutting like before, but using arms and body. I also can do some digits, including digit tuts. I'd have a video for you people to watch now, but my elbow is currently highly screwed, as are my wrists. As always, my favorite mix is Blue and Green. I'd have said Red rather than Blue and Green but I screwed up my red set and the inners don't make it look like a fire as much as it has in the past. That's because I changed up the patterning. But, I do plan to make a fire set. Yellow tracers with orange and red mixed in. SkyBlue Lavender Hot Pink Candies. Red Yellow Pink Dops. Red Purple Pink Strobies. Just a crazy flare of fire. I did however pick out some dubstep songs to use when gloving. A nice, soft, mellow mix for my Blue and Green. A set that works well for liquid motions rather than hardcore impact, but there's fast spots where I can speed up to do my flails. I'd figure a way to work in my new tuts also. I just like how I listen to dubstep so often that I normally can tell when to expect a bass drop and a fast part. I tend to not even need dubstep most of the time, gloving to whatever music I'm listening to that I sputter and scat out as my own dub. My favorite hour long mix so far are the Best Dubstep Ever mixes by oNlineRXD. The mindfuck drops are especially nice because they fit with how I glove, besides me being able to strobe to it I can also do bassdrop moves. That's my usual music of choice now, dubstep. While I listen to rap and rock at school cause that's all I have on my phone, at home I normally have some mix by oNlineRXD playing in the background as I work or play Dota. Now please, without further ado. Enjoy "Filth".

And some supermixed version of The Fray's "You Found Me"

P.S. I still wanna give you a light show, and for those that think I'm talking to them unless you're her then you're wrong. I really hope she still reads this.

Just Call Me...Um...

So I've been busy trying to decide on a better glover name. While Mistodisapea sounds pretty chill, it's a mouth full. Fuckboi is a good name but it also sounds retarded, and I don't flip people off as much when I'm gloving. Now I've come across better ones, ones that are one syllable. I just honestly can't decide. Lets see first one is Blaze. Besides one of my favorite sets is a primarily red that I made on my Trinities and can never make again, one of my all time favorite dubs is Firepower by Datsik and I look like a burn victim with my custom mask on. Then there's my preferred one at the moment, Blink. Short and sweet. It relates back to my mask, but also because I tend to have a fast paced gloving style where when you blink you miss stuff. I've been working on changing that, incorporating more fluid and less impact and flips and flails and other things I tend to do really fast without thinking. Fluid can be done fast also, but it's best done slow. My next two are just because how my brother talks about my gloving. Squid or Ink. I do a lot of finger stuff where I wave them around in a wave or in other forms where it tends to look like tentacles. Ink goes there just because squids make ink, nothing real specific. I did finally program my gloves...again. I find the Oracles annoying as fuck to program with how much they compiled into one chip. Still glad I spent 100 bucks on it though. I let someone screw with the sets so I had to reprogram them. I went with my classic Red Green and Blue sets, then added in a white and rasta set. I find that the white set isn't the best made because I used warm white rather than white so it looks orange and milky. The rasta set only has the thumbs that resemble the rasta flag that well. I don't remember what I was thinking when I wrote it out in a facebook chat, so I didn't expect to get the prime that I made before. I even had my gloves out in class so I could show a friend the tracers. Knowing her she grabs one of the gloves and puts it on and is playing with it. Other people in the class are looking and when I said that they cost me 100 bucks they're just like, "He's joking right?" Well I wasn't. Thing is she, when I use she you should know who I mean and I won't bother to clarify, is in there cause it was French. I wanted to just walk up to her and just be like, hey I owe you a lightshow still. But, I'm not about to go up and bother her. I told her I'd only talk to her if it was important, and while gloving is of high value to me, she's not going to see it that way.

And um just saying, I would really REALLY appreciate comments from people. I get no feedback. I really would like some. Maybe even sympathy for my ideals or problems. Maybe a kindred spirit. Maybe someone to talk to.

I'M NOT SPONGEBOB

So if you don't understand the reference you had probably one of the shittiest childhoods ever if you're my age. Or you had bad college days if you're the age of my chem teacher. But, I finally managed to beat the stereotype that Asians should be kept off the road and passed learner's test. It seems like easy peasy shit, but this is something that I've put off a lot, like I turn sixteen in a few weeks put off. I could've had it the first time I tested but I decided I wasn't going to read the book and not know half the stuff I should. The second time? Well I was so tired I switched one of the answers I filled in around on the signs. You don't know how nervous I was waiting to take that damn test. I checked my answers maybe three times. Signs I checked thrice also. The rules of the road portion I made some pretty simple mistakes. I switched business and residential speed limits. I didn't know jack shit about driving and trying to pass a motorcycle. And I said it's everyone's responsibility to make sure a child is buckled up, rather than just the driver's. So some really retarded mistakes. I was even thinking "I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready" before I was taking the test. Of course, knowing the DMV, I had to wait an hour and by then I didn't feel so ready, more tired. So now I get to have four I.D.s 2 Student I.D.s, a Learner's, and my Walker I.D. A really old and funny one.

Blanks

I'm lost in thought but my mind flashes blanks
Fires in the dark but I'm stuck insane
The flare from the blast is nothing to see
It's all in my head I'm crazy but free
Free from this world but not from my mind
Running too fast so I can't tell the time
I only stand still just for a moment
And in those few seconds everything's morbid
Everything's dark, scary, and big
I tend to sit and think about what I did
But those thoughts trail off and I'm back to the start
My mind's flashing blanks, so I never travel far

My mind's just a road, a track with no end
Most people run but I'll walk til' I'm dead
No light at the end but a flare from a gun
I'd stare right at it cause I know that I'm done
I get lost in thought and shot back to life
I get stuck thinking if what I did was right
With my habit of running my mouth
I couldn't really tell when things went south

So my mind's flashing blanks but I can still see
I may be blinded but it's clear to me
Clear what to do even though I don't do it
Cause I'll say my words but not follow through it
The blanks paint a picture even though they're not there
The light that was left is leftover fear
The pain and disgust that I feel today
Is just from the blank that I fired away

Now as I said, on my bucket list is to record and make a mix tape. There's two problems with that, my "raps" are more of constant rambling with no repeated verse and sometimes they don't even tie together in the verse they're in. I could probably make a good set of songs though, somehow, only problem is I don't have any music to spit it to, much less proper equipment to record it. I could, no I should, talk to some people about getting my hands on that. Have someone mix a track or two for me. But eh, I'm still nervous as to what people I know may think, people that don't read this.

Well Today's Today

So, I haven't mentioned her as much on here in depth where she gets half the post, partly because she still reads this (I think), and partly because I didn't want to be a record on repeat spitting out the same verse. But today's her birthday. I was hoping that by now maybe she'd have come around and I'd have my best friend again. But as always, my low expectations come through. I'm weird in the fact that I'm an optimist as much as I'm a pessimist. I hope high and expect low. If anyone that actually pays attention to me here and doesn't just read to laugh at me, you should go to her page "Hipster Darth Vader" on Facebook and wish her a happy birthday. I hope things will eventually change back to how they used to be, but until then I don't know. I don't even know what I'd do if magically things changed back. Honestly I wish I was actually in a coma right now, and any moment I'm going to wakeup and it'll still be ninth grade before I started majorly screwing up. But that's me just letting my imagination wander. Most of the things that have occurred are too complex for my mind to conjure on it's own. Honestly, I'm referring to the videogames I've played, but whatever. I just hope things will change.

In Your Face

I've found myself to be a massive gloater. As you all know of my many material addictions one of my bigger ones is Dota, one that school has treated me for. Well, the heroes that I truly enjoy playing are the ones that I know I can gloat with the most when I'm winning. It's an effect of the low self esteem I've developed over the years, where anything that I excel in I have to make sure everyone knows it. At this point though, I actually tend to excel at a lot of things which makes me slowly hate myself more. I mean when I developed my self esteem problem I was fat, didn't have money that often, didn't have nice things in general. Only thing I had was how smart I was. I acted like this kid my friends and I refer to as a potato monkey, I always had to talk like I was the best even though I wasn't. Now I'm actually able to support my statements and things come naturally to me, why should I feel a need to brag? I was always so jealous of people then, I guess I had to make people feel jealous of me. But now? Well I only have a few things to be jealous of people for. A few weeks ago I'd have said their happiness, but now it's more their bliss. The fact that they manage to appear to stay at peace with everything around them and never get into conflict. Of course everyone is secretly fighting their own battles. But some just don't appear that way, I mean I don't appear that way outwardly either but I still get jealous of them. There's that saying that the person that seems to have things together the most has the most problems that s/he has to deal with. Like I see people that seem like they should be happier then anything, they have everything someone could want, but they're still unhappy. I'm not talking about those thankless little shits all over the internet that complain about getting the wrong colored phone and other pointless first world problems, not even first world more like spoiled shit problems, but I'm talking about the people that are polite, that do well in school, have a happy home, but still feel unfulfilled. They just seem at peace. Those people are the ones that I get jealous of. I may have some things now that I'm still relatively new to having, but it's human nature to want more.

Blacked Out

So I'm notorious for sleeping in class, but it's starting to change. Normally I slowly slip into my nighty night mode where I'm conscious and it slowly fades without me fighting it when it's in class. Now it's more of I knock out without the waking up sweating my ass off. I'll just have my head down, listening in class, I close my eyes and open them to someone telling me to wakeup. I don't even remember what was going on prior to my blackout. This is really bad for me because sleeping in Driver's Ed counts against me, seeing as I need a certain amount of hours in class. The thing is I value sleeping to a degree most people don't. It's not just because I don't get sleep at a regular pace as most, some days sleeping barely four hours while others almost the whole day, but because sleeping means dreaming. The most valuable thing to me besides camaraderie is expanding my mind. There's nothing better for expanding your mind than introspection into yourself. Now the best way to do that is meditate, because meditation promotes the development of images in your mind and a deeper level of thought. Now for me sleeping is like meditation. I have a deeper level of thought and dreams teach you a lot about yourself and your thoughts. There's what Plato preached saying that the better you understand yourself the better you understand others and I find that pretty accurate. It's part of why I changed the blog to "Delving Into A Shattered Psyche". Because that's literally what I've been doing the whole time. Speculating about the reality I've been forced to live in and my views on it. Then of course there's the moanings and rants about other random crap, but I actually have a good understanding of psychology. The most insane person will actually understand him/herself pretty well. My other major reason for sleeping is because it's the best escape I can find and when I wake up, I feel good. I have a smile on. I guess you could say I've developed an addiction to sleeping and whatever chemicals your brain produces while in that state. Probably melatonin. I'd say that my sleep habits aren't healthy though, but since when have I cared about that. I prefer to learn more about myself. It may even expand my lifespan by allowing my body to not have to work as much. I doubt that though. I do also try to control myself when it comes to my sleep habits, as in not be asleep in class. But I tend to be sleepy all the time now, so when I try to work I may screw up. I have the habit of saying the wrong thing or filling in the wrong bubble and other things of the sort, the sleepier I am. Despite that I actually have a clearer thought process and tend to be more on game all time. By more on game, I mean I tend to have better recall, not short term but long term. I prefer to be in my state of half asleepness mostly because then I can better think on what crosses my mind. I've reached such a masterful ability with sleeping that I can get rest by closing my eyes, I don't actually have to drift off most of the time. Just close my eyes and think, I feel less tired as it happens unless I'm really worn out.

Kick the Bucket

So because I've been genuinely happy, giving me a reason to not post, I've been having problems with finding stuff to talk about here. I do have school to help me with that, seeing as I end up doing writing for a good amount of classes. In my AP Geo class I had to write about my proudest moment, and honestly I don't really know what it'd be. I expressed that problem in class too. To be clear, the reason I couldn't pick one is cause I don't know one. I honestly don't do something that inspires pride in myself often anymore because things just happen for me. It's like it gets handed to me. But anyways, so after blabbering about how I mostly sleep and do sleep related things, my teacher ended with telling me to make a bucket list. Thing is, I never really made a bucket list either. I don't tend to have a list of things that I want to do before I die formulated, but I doubt that's anything odd.  So I decided I'd write one here, and no it's not ordered by priority, more of as it comes to me as always. Some of these may seem more like goals, but that's just because I'm only fifteen so I haven't gotten to do much you know.

1.  Compete in IGC (International Gloving Championship)
2.  Go to a MLG (Major League Gaming) game
3.  Go to a rave
4.  Go to a music festival
5.  Date someone famous
6.  Date someone
7.  Get into and win a fight
8.  Write a book
9.  Invent something worth wanting
10. Meet a Pornstar
11. Throw someone
12. Travel across Europe
13. Meditate with Tibetan Monks
14. Give a dignified official a lightshow
15. Poi on top of a tall building
16. Do parkour across a city
17. Get a lightshow from someone in the Emazing crew
18. Go skydiving
19. Go hunting
20. Make my own firework from scratch
21. Record and release a mixtape
22. Pull an all weeker
23. Live a dream
More to come

The Unorthodox Chef

So my English teacher is trying to get to know us so every class with attendance we have to say our favorite whatever the fuck she wants to know about. Today it was food. Me not knowing what my favorite is because I eat a lot I was about to say Dead Things. I saved that to be just a joke with my friend though. Instead I ended up saying something that I cook, after contemplating the answer. *Chinky Accent* Ohhhh I rykey the Dog and Pushay Cat. The reason why I have to say it's anything I cook though, and not something in particular, is because the one thing I'm the craziest and random in it's cooking. Loving to cook and learning to cook with only what I find in my fridge, I've learned what goes well together. I've also done a lot of experimenting. I've talked about it enough here though. I mean I have a friend that orgasms over my tacos even though it was just one good batch and I don't even remember what I used to make them. In fact I'm pretty sure then it was just taco seasoning mixed with jalapenos. Since then I started putting soy sauce, garlic, and lemon juice in to create a prime Asian influenced taco meat. But every meal is an experiment. I learned to cook most things that people would bake in an oven,  on a plug in grill. I'd love to work at a restaurant if they didn't mind every meal tasting differently. Different specials everyday that never get repeated. I just make a large batch at the beginning of every meal time. That's how it'd be if I worked at/ owned a restaurant. I don't write my recipes down, I barely even bother to remember them. I just remember what works well together. Lately though I haven't made a lot of newer foods. Mostly just cooking what's already made and cooking it in a pan. I have started frying food more often, much to my disdain, but it's not that bad. It's cause I haven't been able to properly clean my grill yet, it still has burnt mold that I've been trying to scrub off for a couple of months. That grill made some good food though. I even managed to reduce the grease by cleaning it once.

I'm Blank Fuckin BLANK

So I go by many names. Besides the one I originally used on here, "CaucasianAzn", I have others. My preferred one for awhile was MistoDisapea because I used that for gloving. Same with Fuckboi. Most of that was just because it sounded chill and to do with gloving. My Dota name went through many changes, some of my best were "The Brigadier Porker", "The Tingle Master", and "The Designated Drinker". My newest one is "The Chocolate Menace" because I was prank calling and made some racial slurs then the name hit me. But to the core of this post, my usual explanation for my odd habits are because I'm *First Name* FUCKING * LAST NAME*. That's just because it's the easiest and least complicated explanation there is. In class I had to write about my goals for the school year and five years and when I said I had no goals, didn't aspire to do anything, the teacher was just like. Bullshit, you have to want to do something. I didn't even have to answer, one of my friends chimes in with it's cause he's *First Name*. As I go on I'll just say, I have my enemies. Only thing is, they never stay enemies. I grow on people. I'm not saying everybody eventually loves me, that'd be impossible, but I just have that charisma about me that gets them to warm up to me. If they don't though, that's not my problem. I'm not trying to be some egotistical shit but I'm serious when I say I can take people places. I just have my effect on people, but everyone has an effect on people. They also know that it takes a lot to deter me from them. I can try to fix things for years and still go at it like I just started. But back to the weirdness and unusality that is me, and yes I consider my charisma a rare charm, there's also my memory. Now I've occasionally talked about how it's been fading, but that's short term. I have a memory that can astonish most just because I don't forget. I'm like an elephant in how much I don't forget. I just have the habit of remembering every detail I can about a person. School's different, that stuff has to interest me, but with people they instantly interest me. Even though I find psychology is an area of expertise reserved for psychopaths and wack jobs, I would fit perfectly into it. Yes, I admit it, I'm a wack job at the social standard. But that's how I've been from day one. Like I got placed in a psych class and I was doing the work and all I could think was, I already knew this. I already delved into the insanity that is my mind and learned the basics of psychology. Next one on the list is my bastard luck. I've talked about this a lot on here and that's because of how accurate it is. I do something that most people would walk away from with something broken and I get a scrape. Shit, my favorite day of the year is Friday the Thirteenth because for some reason it's my best day of the year. Of course I can't abuse it, that's wrong. To try to take advantage of what you can't control only can end badly. Now I pretty much forgot about what I was going to write about at this point. My initial intention was to write about my charisma I so deeply value, but I lost my train of thought when I started writing. I'm just saying, the best and probably only explanation for why I act as I do is cause I'm me. That applies to everyone honestly. But if you ask me, compared to the social average I'm miles away.

Not To Be Hated On

So as most people should know today is 9/11. Now before you get too deep into this, I'm warning now that this post is going to spawn people being disgusted with me IF THEY BOTHERED TO COMMENT. But to the subject. I think we were asking for 9/11, if it was terrorists responsible for it.I remember hearing earlier that we already had attack plans before 9/11 happened, hence the if. Of course I'm not the total paranoid who thinks everything is part of some plot to control the world by a select few. It's just a possibility. But seriously, there's a reason that we are referred to as Infidels by the extremist Muslim maniacs. It's because we practically shit on their culture. But out there I'd expect there to be more of an importance placed on food and water, and not what type. To them we're rich fat fucks. Of course not all of us are, but a good amount are compared to their standard of living. Spoiled shits that care more about money and getting what they want more than anything else. I'm not about to say the people that died from the plane attacks were under that category, or even had anything to do with the category existing, I still think the attacks were wrong. I'm saying that if we didn't like to show off and appear as some high end country that can throw out food and waste as much as we want, it wouldn't have happened. Mind you, this is coming from the fingertips of a very unpatriotic person. Atleast disloyal to America. I need to respect the country before I can be patriotic and I don't even put my hand on my heart for the Pledge of Allegiance. I really do feel bad for families affected by 9/11 though. The one reason I don't like their method of expressing their distaste for our "lifestyle" is simply because it hurt people that were innocent. That probably didn't partake in the spoiled lifestyle so many of us get used to. It's just like how I don't approve of Syria getting firebombed. Chemical weapons isn't an excuse to kill a whole country. No it's an excuse to infiltrate it and disable said weapons. Being subtle and not feeling a need to appear superior is what's known as being smart. Doing so avoids conflicts. Americans, atleast to me, appear to be some of the most racist, vulgar, shits in the world. They talk crap about everything and are oppressive of other cultures. I'm surprised Europe hasn't decided to go to war with us. We don't see jokes about Europe saying 'Ropia or some other shitty slur on the name. We do however for 'Murica.

You Don't Turn Your Back

I probably seem cheesy with how a lot of my ideals and morals that I've developed over the years are thoroughly in movies, T.V. shows, and anime. Of course that's not where I get them. I do however find an idea to write about from them, I guess you'd call them my occasional inspiration. I kinda ended up thinking about writing this while watching Fast and Furious 6. Well just to say it now, there's a few words I don't throw around as often as some. There was a point when I did, but that's an on and off type of mindset. They're words of affection that are general but have a meaning. Words like Brother and Sister and Love. Some people don't realize it but these are strong words. Me calling someone my brother or sister or telling them I love them is me making a promise. A promise that I'm always going to be there when they need me, and not going to turn my back. To hurt one of them is like hurting me except I'm going to bite whoever did it's head off. That's something that just disgusts me. When someone just turns their back on another person, not even one that they were as close to use those words with them, but even an acquaintance. If there's one thing I have a severe loyalty to is family. I don't mean just direct, I mean the big whole bunch. Even though I utterly hate my parents at times, I'm still there. I don't leave. I'd be the type of guy that if he had a kid with a woman, hopefully a woman, that I utterly hated I wouldn't leave until he did. If I had to? Well that kid's staying with me. Like what Will Smith did in Pursuit of Happiness. And as I've said on here multiple times that's what hurt the most a few months ago. I could handle being treated like shit, shunned away, as long as they came back. But she didn't. Honestly I don't know if when she's going to come around. I talked to her because I ended up sitting next to her in English, and she said exactly what I feel, shit's going to be awkward for a long time. I just have that moment where I look over about to say something but just tell myself, no that's stupid. I lost my comedic spark again. But back to the main topic. Turning your back on family is what scum does. That's something you have to be able to respect. I say I don't care about the past, but that's not fully true. I don't care about someone's past before they met me, because I didn't know them then. But I tend to remember every little detail, it's a specialty of mine. I guess it's because "family" is one of the few things I have. Ironic thing is I don't like to spend time with legit family. I prefer chilling with friends rather than going to some family gathering. I don't see that family a lot. I see the family I built myself. I'm like Whitebeard in One Piece. All he ever does is try to extend his family, and he'd take a bullet for one of them or forgive what they did wrong. Because as I said before, You Don't Turn Your Back.

A Song To Describe Me

So if there's one thing I don't like having to do that always happens at the beginning of the school year is doing one of those things made to introduce you to the teacher and anyone in the class that doesn't know you. I don't exactly like talking about myself in front of people, in person. I don't give to shits on here because I'm anonymous and people that I do know that read it, well I don't really know if they read it. In English we had to do Biopoems, I pulled my usual shit. I ended up having the theme of sleep, boredom, and hunger. That's what most of the lines were. Tried to keep it as bland and uninforming as possible. The other thing is what I have to do for my Geo class. Make a playlist of songs that describe me. Now my friends and I were talking about joke songs to use. I already thought of a few. I could put "Bullet" on it to freak him out. You know, it's this totally happy, upbeat song about killing yourself. And the ending? Oh the ending. That's the cherry on the cake. Next is "Reefer Madness" because I heard that he has a high dislike for stoners. So what better song that all it's about is smoking weed? Another perfect one is "Beecause I Got High" and "Nigga Nigga Nigga". Nothing like songs about being high and how much you don't like "niggas". My favorite idea so far though is Barbie Girl. Oh yes, Barbie Girl. Because I'm just plastic just as much as everyone else. In truth that is pretty deep, but I have the feeling that's not the intent of the song. As for my legit ones? Well first off some Blink 182. No playlist that describes me would be accurate if there wasn't Blink 182. First to come to my mind were "What's My Age Again" and "Adam's Song". Obviously because I prefer to act immature and because I'm actually really depressed about how emotionally lonely I am. I'd like to add in rap songs but a lot of them are about where they are in the game and how many bitches they bang, so I can't say those describe me all too well. Some parts do, but not a majority of it. A good one to have is "Over My Head" by The Fray. There's nothing that could define me better than in over my head. It's just what I do. Then there's "Pieces" and "Walking Disaster" by Sum 41. Now they sound a little too depressive. "Pieces" is him complaining about a girl while "Walking Disaster" is him saying he's going somewhere and they won't even know it's their son that got there. I don't want the album to be too depressing. But already, three of them fit that. I'd say "Over My Head" fits also, but not exactly. Then another to come to mind is "Toxicity" by System of a Down. It's him talking about how bad the city is, which fits my minor hippism and my love of the environment. Some of them aren't the easiest to explain, I know, which is why I'm happy I don't have to. Then there's Weezer. Ohohoho, the music they produce tends to have good descriptions of me. First on the list is "Pork and Beans". In simplest, it's him saying we're not going to conform to please others.  Then "Troublemaker" and the title says it all. Final in my thoughts is "I Don't Care" by Fall Out Boy. Again, title says it all. I think that's 10 songs, if it's not oh well I still need to think on it anyways. I'd layer the ordering so it's not happy then depressing etc etc.

It's All Clear To Me

So I oddly enough tend to pay a good amount of attention to the color of my piss as I do with my shit also. Lately in school my piss was so clear it looked like water, in fact it didn't even have one of those nasty wreaks if I hold it too long. So I, as my analytical inquisitive self, wondered why. In fact I wouldn't shut up about how clear it was to one of my friends. Well I realized, it's cause I'm not eating. Like I eat breakfast. But Lunch? Nahhhh. Besides the fact I pocket the money I get for lunch, I'm just not hungry around then cause I'm normally asleep. Dinner? I guess, but I don't eat dinner in school. So of course, this is a BAD thing. I've been feeling weaker lately and it's not just because I decided cause it's the first week to half my workout routine. Of course, I will rebound. I rebound from everything. It's just like my magic I guess. I call myself a lucky bastard for multiple reasons, as I've said on here a lot, and one is when bad things happen I always pick myself up faster than most. There was one thing I didn't rebound from that fast, which anyone could probably guess, but that's it. Yea so pretty much I talked about my piss today because I couldn't think of anything but didn't want to leave today blank.

Expectations Lost Part II

So I still had my usual anxiety. I mean technically everyone has the first day of school twice because we have alternating lineups. Today I had Geo, then had to go to a counselor for me not having a class for that period, then english, then gym. I had heard some things about my Geo teacher that made him sound like some total dickhole, but they were wrong. As to the counselor, I ended up being a teacher's assistant and have the six of the same classes as another kid. English? Ahh...English. I only read one book and I didn't read that other cause it's about jews. Literally, open it, first page, throws book cause of the subject matter. And, something I expected for an odd reason, she's in my English class. No biggie, big class right? WRONNGGG. The teacher has it setup where on each side of the room there's groups of desks in rows, columns, whatever you want to call it. They face each other. Well I'm in front of my row, and she sits in front of her row on the other side. If that wasn't bad enough she decided on the one practically right across from me. Whole class I spend looking to the side or down rather than forward so she doesn't think I'm staring cause I expect her to think that. Well I hear at lunch that she mentioned to one of my "friends" that I was staring at her. Like fuck? Really? I was staring. Um, no. Atleast she laughs and smiles in that class. Yea I had the occasional sight of her, but it was corner of my eye shit. I prefer not to look right at the person that turned their back on me, it kinda makes me feel crappy with memories associated with her. Besides that I don't find that class bad. I just kinda wanted to avoid her a little this school year. My gym class is kinda bad seeing as I don't have many friends in it. There are some though, just not many. That tends to happen to me a lot and cause it starts in driver's ed the teacher won't let me put my head down and fade into half unconsciousness.

Expectations Lost

So as I've expressed before, I had a lot of anxiety about my French class. The main problem with my French class, despite the fact it was my favorite class last year, is that she's in it. I came to school today, and stayed up all night cause of anxiety, thinking in French I was gonna end up sitting next to her cause of alphabetical sitting. But my teacher changed things up and we could sit wherever we want. I was comfortable in the class, comfortable enough to make a fool of myself. There's still some major differences compared to last year though. For one, I was new to french so learning it was easy. This year it's a continuation of what we were supposed to have remembered from last year, which I so casually forgot. The next is I had a kid in my class that was why I wasn't a B student in there. Now I knew French, and did well on tests, but I didn't do so well with the classwork. Not just not wanting to do it, but not wanting to do writing. He's not in my class this year, he skipped to French III. Now the final difference is what I'd already noted, SHE'S IN IT. Now my goal this school year wasn't to avoid her until she was just a painful memory and I was just an annoying memory, hell no. My idea was I'd just see how things played out. Last year I was most comfortable in French, it was like my Math and Science class in Eighth grade on terms of freedom and socialality. In short, I could be my goofy, wacky, dickhole self and not be worried. Even though the fact that I think it should work in my favor with her just deters it from being effective. But, she and I became friends over fucking around in class. Then it just continued on Facebook. So I figured, it if the environment is like the same one I had in Eighth when she and I got superclose, we were chatty with each other in Seventh too but not as much, maybe it'd cause it to happen again. Of course there's as many differences between those two situations as there are between this year and last year. But, what my friend did note, it seemed that she wasn't comfortable in class. She sat by herself, didn't even try to talk to some of the kids that I know she considers friends. While before I even got in the classroom a girl shouted out my last name, and then begged me to sit near her. I spent the class laughing and half napping. I did find myself looking over at her prolongedly once, but I made sure that happened only once. I glanced over at her maybe four times that class. I did happen to make a fool of myself. Knowing how tired I was and my memory issue I started using Spanish words in place of French. We were doing colors and the teacher says brown, so I shout out Cafe. Well coffee is brown. Then I get told that's spanish, which I wasn't surprised with. So then she says brown is marron. Next color is purple, and she intentionally says purple rather than violet. I instantly said marron. Aren't I just a genius. I do believe though, that I kept my french stuff from last year. All my binders are in my basement so I hope I'm not too royally screwed. Atleast I don't have to feel so much anxiety about French anymore, unless she gives group projects and we can't pick our groups.

Meep

Well, my first day of school is less that 9 hours from now, and I gotta say I don't feel like going. It's just the anticipation I have for it. Besides the chance that I'll see her, I also get to see people that I haven't seen in awhile again, and go back to an environment that is mostly people that get on my nerves. Of course I have three classes that I know won't be misery, or atleast don't expect to. I've heard some stuff about the teachers for them, but I know I'm gonna have my friends in them. There's also my anticipation to be rolling in bait more than I was last year. Besides it being that I was a freshman last year and only really had two new girls that I was confident would go for me, but I look different as always. I shaved off more of my weight and my body is more defined. My hair is at a length that I personally thinks looks nice. And I have a swagger about me, no I didn't say swag, that just emanates I'm a little cockier than most. I always heard that girls like confidence, and you know, I kinda see that a lot. I normally see girls going for the cocky dick head that has his head up his ass and not the guy that prefers to keep to himself. But I'm somewhere in between. I do have a cocky air about me and am known to be a dick when I want to, but I also prefer to stay away from social interaction a lot. Well either way, I should be asleep right now so I can get up in time to get coffee to stack with my Rockstar tomorrow.

To Know Or Not To Know

I personally hate it when someone's mad at me, or disgusted with me, and won't tell me. Like if I got a little more bluntness from her earlier things may not have ended as badly. But that's not why. I prefer to know why someone's pissy with me, so that I don't keep pissing them off or I can oh I dunno, fix it? Take this one girl. She and I are on and off friends. I wouldn't even call it friends anyways. More like acquaintances or casual talkers. Now things between me and her had been fine lately. We'd talk, there was no animosity, we hung out a few times. Of course those two times weren't just the two of us, there were other people and she was probably there to chill with them more. But what I'm saying is, I don't see where things went wrong with her. Last time we hung it led to her owing me money cause I let her use my cash for makeup, I ask her about it cause I'm gonna be around where she lives in a few days and she snaps on me. She says it's cause I asked her about the money and it's really annoying, well I only mentioned it once before and that was to put it down for record. So it's not just my ego when I say, money is not why she snapped at me. Then a few days ago I found something interesting and told her, I can just tell when I said I found something that she was pissy with me. I've had my theories as to why, including her actually getting that mad about money, but I prefer not to entertain them. Instead I'll just sit and wait, something I'm good at, because as always, time heals all wounds. Unless of course it's a fatal wound, time's not gonna heal that in time.

I See

So I went to an optometrist today because I needed a new supply of contacts. I took a year supply and made it last a year and a half so I'm pretty content with it. Pretty much rather than doing the proper thing I just started leaving them in rather than taking them out every night. When I did take them out every night one pair normally lasted about three weeks to a month. Even though they're supposed to only be used for two weeks, who pays attention to that stuff. I'm too much of a natural Jew to pass up a chance to save money. And I did, I got an extra half out of what I bought. But when I just left them in I managed to keep them longer. The thing with taking them out every night, even though it cleans them, it makes it so that they don't last as long. You touch the contacts and your eye has to readjust to them every morning and get poked around in every night. So it's easier to just leave them in. I'd still change them though. I'd either wait until my hair got too long, by my standards that's a month to two months of it growing, or until my eye started bugging out. When I changed my contacts I'd also shave my head. But when I took them out it was for the weekend, if it was before then I'd wear my glasses. End of the weekend I'm wearing contacts again. But back to what I as saying. Somehow, and I'm really curious as to how, my eyesight improved. I really think it's more my focusing and analytical skills that have improved. My ability to notice the smaller details could make it seem like my vision improves. Just look at it this way. I spent my summer sitting in the dark every night where the only source of light was my laptop screen and a T.V. Of course that was spent playing Dota every night, hence why I say it's an improvement in my ability to analyze and focus and notice smaller things. To look at the full thing and not have to focus on one. It sounds like it's not a show of focus, but I'm saying I can focus on everything, not just one thing. That's what you do in Dota. You have to watch the whole screen, not just one thing. If you can't pay attention like that then you're fucked. So I literally think, I just got an improved eye for detail. Of course, the doctor said it didn't majorly improve, just to an extent.

Le Trolls

So I waited until later today hoping I'd have a schedule to talk about. To make a few notes, I'm pretty sure she's gonna be in at least my French class because I was told before there'd only be one Honors French II class, But to the main, core of the subject. Trolling. I already told my friend earlier, if I see some cocky freshie sitting in the spot that my friends and I normally sit he might just cry. I have spent the summer training with the troll gurus of the Steam community. Most of them I only trained with once and but it was enough to learn their wisdom. These masters of the art are responsible for the reputation the Dota community holds with the outside world. I intend to utilize all my acquired knowledge for the good of my class against any cocky freshman that challenges me. I don't expect many challenges due to my priority to be under the radar from society, but any one who would dare challenge me will surely lose. After rereading that I kinda feel nerdy, but the intent is to be funny so I don't mind. I really have learned to troll well. I don't even bother to change my Steam name because I want people to remember me as the guy that made them cry over the internet. I've done some subtle trolling, some only internet oriented, but I still have practiced the art of hurting feelings through words alone. Of course, I don't abuse it. I'm selective of my targets to the people that ask for it. Like a righteous wrong. Not along the lines of two wrongs make a right, but to defend/avenge the people that are picked on for no reason. Or because of a bad game. I've always been like this. I'm not some sociopathic asshole that picks on anything that even looks at him. I wait for them to offend me before I make some snarky comment that can only come from a smartass like me. Of course I have a pretty broad threshold for offense. From them mocking me, to mocking a friend, to bothering someone that asks them to go. I'm the type to want to stand up for the little man, ironically one of the guys that's received my abuse is a little man. More than one, there's two. And because the point of this post is to talk about trolling I will mention some trolling I've done in Dota, of course that only happens in a game like Dota because it's not emotional abuse that I'm talking about. I'll have games as Bloodseeker. For those that don't play he's a 1v1 type hero that is also good for early game ganking along with chasing. He has abilities that normally leave him as the last one alive in a team fight. He has Thirst, which gives movement speed and armor when another hero is under a certain amount of health. Then there's Blood Bath, when a hero or creep dies he gets health back, depending on why they died though. So he's also an agility hero that has good leveling on his agility, 3 per level. That means that when he's level 25 he's a big tank. Now I don't stop there. I get an assault curiass and butterfly to get extra armor and evasion. Then I get a Heart of Tarasque which heals you every 4 seconds for 2% of your max health when no other hero is around. So I just sit in the other teams base killing people, with 75% physical damage reduction and the heart healing me when they're all dead. There's nothing funnier than when that happens. They spawn and then die right away. I'd talk about another troll I did but  explaining Blood Seeker took up too much, so another time.

Just A Day

I wish I could go a day just going on my way
Not stopping for pausing or to contemplate
Just a day that's forward with no looking back
Just a day that's been free of my chronic whacks

A day that's about me and not what I feel
Where I'm not stuck in pain and nothing's for real
I yearn for a day without a thought across my mind
Where I just spend the day abusing my time
No time to think, just time to act
Just a day where I feel like the old me is back
But that day's far away cause the way that I am
Can't move past the thoughts but I do what I can
I still try to smile when I'd rather sigh
Keep a knife from my wrists when I want to die
To live a happy life just for a day
But maybe that's not meant for me

Just a day where I look at all the pretty faces
Not a day where I only picture the nicest
A day with a real smile not just a show
My old personality is starting to grow
But it gets trampled by the hurt deep inside
The scars that should heal just fester and cry
If I move past it for just one day
Maybe I'd be back on my way
But it's bi-polar season and a change every hour
Every now and then I'm a new kind of sour
Why you think that I want a whole day
Because all these mood swings are too much for me


So as always I just have a spontaneous burst of thoughts that tie together in lyricism that may only make sense to me. Seeing as it can't stay focused on one subject, it may be hard to follow. I always thought of a song as being a short story, and honestly they normally are. Of course there's the crap that passes for music now, but that's not the only music that exists now is it? And really though, I just want one day. Just one day that goes perfectly. I manage to go without jacking off, without ending up checking a list of crap I keep in my head every hour or so, a day that I manage to stay happy the whole day and don't mope once. A day where I don't feel like the obsessed little shit that any daily reader knows I am. Of course I can't spend the whole day around a bunch of people. School will be a nice relief because I'll be busy all day, including after school because school just started. New people to meet too, means hopefully another pretty face to grab my attention. And when I say pretty I don't mean that she's exactly pretty. The pretty girls do distract me well, but I can always stumble on a girl with an orgasmic personality, I have before.

Rakin In The Cash

So seeing as it's about a month and a half before I turn 16 I've been paying attention to the job market. There's, as always, a lot of food places hiring. There's a sandwich shop called Jimmy John's, then a Baja Fresh, and this place called Pizzarama. Those are just the few miscellaneous ones off the top of my head. But personally I prefer much more of a dressed better job if I can get one. Even though I hate wearing a shirt with a collar, or pants that need a leather belt, or even worse, dress shoes, I prefer those because it's better on an application. Good news to me, Best Buy is hiring nearby. I looked at things in my head and I'd want to work at a store where I can get discounts that I'd use pretty often enough. There's Gamestop or Radioshack, but those are small stores that don't require that many employees and most employees are disposable. The workers aren't even called sales associates. With me, well I like to be a people person. I'm not the same dark shit in public that I'm normally here. Heck, only one of my friends ever sees me sigh out of depression, and that's when it's just him and I. There was also Dick's yea I said it DICK'S. I could work there, get a nice discount on exercise equipment. But seeing as the only thing I could think to need at the moment is a new benchpress and a treadmill, after that fuck that shit, I'm not all that interested in Dick's. Oh I like how I worded that part, because it can be taken as me saying I'm straight. (I expect you guys to get the joke just confirming that you comprehend the assholery I embrace like a slut embraces a dick) Back to the main subject, I COULD WORK AT BEST BUY. LIKE FUCK. Besides the fact I'd be saving up every paycheck to spend there, I actually have a moderate knowledge of techie whosie whatsit. Like I already made a short shopping list. First I get a new computer. Of course because I can it's gonna be a P.C. that'll probably cost me 1000-1500 bucks without an employee discount, that's what a month, two months pay checks? They're only offering part time jobs so probably two months. The P.C. would come with a wireless, ergonomic keyboard and mouse set along with a nice headset. It's tech specs you say? Well I was thinking along the minums of 10GB RAM, 1TB Harddrive, I7 Processor, 4 GHZ, and a year subscription to Iobit security. Along with that because I ain't buying a dinky monitor, a nice flatscreen for my room. I'm thinking, 32 inches, maybe 40. That's including cords for hooking the sound from my computer to my T.V. Next on the to buy list is a mini fridge. YES A MINI FRIDGE. Knowing my lazy ass it's nice to keep my rice pudding and soda in a fridge in my room rather than a fridge in my basement. Now this I'd probably get when I get the job but a Microwave. So early because my parents would pay for that. Back to the list though. A PS4 right when it comes out. I can just trade it in later when I want better memory on it, or if mine is getting buggy. Like why the hell not? I believe Best Buy sells treadmills too. It may just be HH Gregg but I'd be getting a treadmill next if I can. Run on that shit everyday, tone my thighs. Next because it's not a total priority, a smart phone. Even though HTCs are nice and so are Galaxy's I might get an IPhone. After that shit, and sorting out how to pay for the plan with my dad, a fucking tablet. Just for fucks I'm gonna get a tablet. I could actually use one of those in school, digital textbooks can't be too expensive. Now seeing as it's not definite that I'd have a job, I didn't get promised it, this is just a shopping list for a mad man that expects his flow of money not to stop if it starts. Also, hoping I'd have a girlfriend by then but even if I don't, I'd need to have a retainer of 300$ always available that I've earned. That's for if I need to buy something right away, like the laptop I'm using manages to break down like it always does around my birthday. Or if I'm hopefully dating someone and the master wants to go shopping. Of course I wouldn't spoil her. So I'd have to wait a good amount of time before I have the money I want for most of this stuff. I realize I still haven't explained why I'd be good for this job in-depth. I LOVE TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE. Like goddamn me for my social wants and desires. If there is a big lord out there that is. I mean I learn fast, and that's one of the things I got told I have to be able to do. I don't even pay attention and I learn something I don't give two shits about. Imagine how well I'd learn when I pay attention with a genuine interest in what the hell is going on. There's so many departments to work in there. There's the mobile area with all the phones, and tablets, and music players. Then there's the section with all the computers and laptops. Then the videogame section. There's a music section. An entertainment section with a crap ton of T.V.s. Then there's the appliance section. I'm probably leaving out a lot but I'm just saying. I have an aptitude for all of that. I know about quality. Not totally. I don't really know what the difference between a 720P and 1080P resolution is because I never cared to pay attention to it. I just know the higher P the higher refresh rate it has and the slower it can make things. Well enough of me blabbing. My birthday is a month and a half away, and by then the positions may be taken, so I can't have my hopes too high.